Truth That Seeks Freedom

John 8:32 - You will know the truth and the truth will set you free

This verse had been one of the most mind-boggling verses that I’ve ever encountered. I remember the day that I gave this much thought. What is the truth that the Lord referring to? What is truth? What is that truth that sets us free? I didn’t want anyone else’s answer. I wanted the Lord to answer me Himself. While pondering upon this verse, many explanations came to my head — most of which are explanations given by ministers in the Church. If truth is something that I can “know”, then it must be truth for me, too, that I would agree with it with all that I am. Therefore, it cannot be just anyone’s explanation to me, that I would just agree with without even testing it.

I’ve held on to many explanations of what this truth is — like the Gospel truth, the truth of Yeshua’s sacrifice, the truth of God’s promises, the truth about my identity, the truth about the future to come as it is written in the Bible. However, the more that I ask about the truths related to those topics, I learned that there is infinitely more that I can learn about them. I learned that I know so little. I learned that the Lord, His work, His sacrifice, His plans are too great to comprehend. I will never be able to grasp it completely. I can be in constant awe and surprise to new revelations related to them, and I would appreciate Him more and more because He makes Himself known to me in much greater way than I ever did. I don’t have any regrets about believing that these are the truths that will set me free because they are worth pursuing — mainly because it led me to knowing the ultimate source of truth Who is God Himself.

In the process of seeking truth, I learned that God is Holy and I am not. I learned how different I am from Him, and there is absolutely no one in the entire universe who can be equal or greater than Him. I discovered that the Bible stories that caused me to question His character are the very stories that made me understand His heart and His patience towards us. I understood that despite the many violent stories in the Bible, what every book communicates is faith, hope and love. And I lack all 3 of them. I thought I was an expert at them, but I realized I know too little about what these 3 are about.

I also learned many things about myself, and I would like to share them to you. I will try to write them as truthful as possible. After all, if it’s the truth, then it should lead me to freedom. These are the truths that I have not denied, and I cried many tears when I finally admitted that these are true:

• I learned that I am proud, that I have a puffed up version of who I am. I thought I was cool, awesome, and worth emulating. But reality is — my version of who I think I am is someone who thinks she is idol-worthy. Did the Lord save me so I can be an idol?
• I learned that I expect others to be consistent, but I am inconsistent myself. I say things that I will do but I don’t. I believe I am this and that, but it’s not always true. How can I expect others to be consistent when I am not consistent myself?
• I learned that I never had control. I deceived myself that I was in control, or I have control to a certain degree, but really, did my plans ever come about as I have planned it? It always turned out way better, but the credit does not and will never belong to me.
• I learned that I am afraid of change. I prided myself as a change-ready person because of a few events that happened in my life that proved to be successful changes. I even have results to back it up. But were they my results? Or was it because the Lord prepared me a year ahead, and taught me one truth — that if I learn how to number my days, I will gain a heart of wisdom? And He prepared me a year earlier because He knows how stubborn and cowardly I can be
• Finally, I learned that I am self-deceived. This is probably the most painful truth that I have accepted. Until all of my false self image disappears, I will be self-deceived to a certain level. Until I keep holding on to who I think I am, I will always have a barrier to knowing how God sees me.

Why are these truths important to acknowledge? It’s human nature to act based on one’s beliefs. For example, if one thinks that a fetus is not yet a baby, then one is ok with abortion. If one thinks that she is ugly, then she acts the part of an unattractive woman, actings based on her insecurities. If a woman thinks that a certain man likes her, she acts based on how she thinks her relationship to him would be. Hence, beliefs about who we are and who others are must be grounded on truth so that our actions are more consistent, and our hearts are not deceived. These will prevent us from unnecessary hurt caused by wrong assumptions and expectations. Only when we rid ourselves of prejudice, assumptions and expectations can we truly accept another person for who they are — for their flaws and imperfections. But if we do not know how to do that to ourselves, whose minds that we can read, how can we do it for others whose minds we cannot read? If we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest to others?

Some people may find it hard to accept the things that I have written. But for those who can resonate with this, especially those who have a hard time renewing their minds with the Word of God, I know what bothers you. I know you don’t believe what is written, and you want to convince yourself that the Word of God is true for you. I know that you want to brainwash yourself because it’s easier. But take heart, you can come to the Lord and tell Him, Abba, Father, You said in Your word that I am this and that, but I don’t believe it. Please take away my unbelief and show me how You see me. Because what I (or others) think of me is not important, but who You think of me is what matters.

Thankful on Shabbat

Isaiah 61:1-3 - The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor; He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to preserve those who mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

The past couple of weeks have been incredible. I had a difficult 2015, and yet, the Lord is making sure that this will be a year to remember. My year was marked with many tears, but the Lord allowed me to see that He is a big God, a God who operates in the miraculous, a God who heals and binds the brokenhearted, a God Who sets the captives free, a God who is with me at all times - He is Immanuel.  This was also the year that had the most laughter, and really really good memories. He is my Peace and Source of Joy.

I wanted to write a very long thank You list to the Lord for all the good things that happened in 2015. However, I don’t think a blog entry will do any justice on His faithfulness, mercy, provision and lovingkindness towards me. So I’ll just write about what happened in the past few days.

Before leaving for the Philippines, the Lord showered me with wonderful memories in Jerusalem. I realized that I have built really good friendships that are as close as family. One thing that was sure - I am abundant in love. There is nothing good that the Lord withheld from me. I realized it further when 2 of my good friends came to visit Israel. I was led to share many things that the Lord has done. On a normal day, I would not remember them. However, the mere recollection to share the stories to my closest friends has made me remember how far I have walked with the Lord, and how much good memories we have created together along the way. He has been my constant Companion, my Favorite Companion, and He knows me completely. My second greatest reward is to have relationships where I can be completely honest and real to them, even if we come from different cultural backgrounds or age group. We just know, and we understand each other, with or without words. I have great assurance that they care about me, I care about them, and we pray for each other.

Now that I am back to my roots, I am thankful to the Lord for many things — for giving me a chance to meet up with an old friend, and see that we can pick up from where we left off, or even way better than where we left off. We grew up, we changed, but it was definitely for the better. I am thankful that I have a best friend who takes care of me as if I am not just her friend, but I am family. It’s a huge bonus that she loves the Lord with all of her heart, her life is truly a testament that God is with her. I am thankful for allowing me to have time with family — to see how faithful He is to them even if I am not here with them most of the time, especially with how He took care of my siblings and my parents. I am thankful that my sister had to drive for more than 2 hours so that we can see each other for 5 minutes. I am thankful that I could hear my dad pray, and to know that his leadership means a lot to me. I am thankful that my wake up call is my mom, who just wanted a hug and to catch up, and to find out that I grew up to be like her and I am proud of it. I am thankful that my brother has grown up to be a fine young man who values excellence and relationships, and he didn’t resist me hugging him haha! I am thankful that the Lord has moved mightily in my family, especially my aunt who is undergoing chemotherapy. I was told that she is the first case to survive the first cycle when her platelet count was just 1. Now she’s on her 3rd cycle. And in a few weeks, I will have a nephew! Truly, He is a promise-keeping God Who will never leave us or forsake us.

It helps that I also got upgraded twice to premium economy. And my best friend kept pampering me. And I have a big bed all for myself. Yes, I am well loved.

This is truly a season to celebrate, and the reason for this season is because the Lord is good. Praise Yeshua for coming into this world to save us, for staying with us, for being our Light, and for directing our paths.


P.S. I am no longer allowed to complain about the internet and the traffic.

Letter to the Brokenhearted for this Season

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Dear Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry for writing to you too late.  I should have written to you a year ago, or maybe 2.  But the Lord was busy fixing my broken heart, too.  I know you don't like this season, especially the month of December.  People get married or get engaged.  And it sucks that your season is marked with tears and sorrow.  Sometimes, you just wish this season would be over quickly.  Or wish that your feelings would just leave instantly.  I felt the same way, too.  I tried many methods - from self-deception to standing in truth with the Word of God.  There were days that my methods worked.  There were days that were just unbearable.  I would spend a lot of time questioning if I did the right thing.  Sometimes, I would just do a lot of stupid things, and regret them later.

Beloved, healing takes time.  Don't give up in pushing forward to find complete restoration.  Don't hide from it.  Don't let shame eat you up.  Remember that everyday, you operate on doing your best based on what you know at this point in time.  You do not need to feel bad about not knowing everything today.  No one expects you to be perfect.  And you also cannot expect yourself to be consistent.  We, human beings are like that - imperfect and inconsistent, especially when we are hurt.

My Beloved, there is no perfect formula to get you out of this.  But know that Someone understands your pain and your sorrow.  I know that because He was with me in my brokenness, and He is still with me.  Don't run away from Him.  He is not your enemy, but He's your Healer.  His medicine stings sometimes, but you are safe in His hands, and you can trust Him.  Besides, you can never hide from Him.  You will always have Company.

I wish I could tell you it would be over soon, but I can't.  However, you can take it one day at a time.  You can have new mercies everyday, and your day can end with gratitude in your heart.  It's not impossible.

One day, you'll look back and smile.  Or even laugh at yourself.  You might even be like me, seeing my life as if it was someone else's story.  But keep the stories in your heart.  They are beautiful stories.  It's the stories that give our lives color, and our hearts hope.

Meanwhile, keep yourself in prayer.  The Bible tells us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Take this time to be alone with Him.  This time is precious, as You will be with the perfect Companion - the One Whom you can be completely honest with, Who can read your mind and knows everything about you, Who forgives you and loves you unconditionally, Who is patient with you, and Who can be funny at times, too.  You'll miss this closeness with Him when you are no longer hurting.

With love from someone who also understands you.

Quest for Intimacy

Prov 19:22 - What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.

For the past few months, I have been on a mission – I wanted the Lord to redefine what intimacy means for me. I realized that it’s easy to build horizontal relationships. But the vertical ones are hard to find, or even more difficult, take root.

I woke up one day with an epiphany that my greatest fear is intimacy. I fear intimacy because of the many unknowns that it will bring: Whom I should be intimate with?  How will they make me feel?  How will they impact me?  How will they change me?  Would they drag me down or lift me up?  How would I respond?  How will they respond?  Will they see me for who I am and will they be ok with it?  Will it just happen or do I need to be intentional?  Until when can I say that I should stop being intentional, dust my feet off and move forward?  Until where can I set the boundaries such that my dignity is preserved?  Will they make me better or worse?  Will the benefit outweigh the cost?  Will intimacy shatter my fantasy of who I think I am?  More and more each day, I am convinced that it is not just my greatest fear, but it is also my greatest need.

My questions above have been my guide to know who are safe to be with. I know that I will always misunderstand people, and it will take time and effort to know who they are. I know that people will misunderstand me as well, but it’s ok. At the end of the day, I must aim to know whom I can be safe with and who are not. The ones who are left are a real keeper.

The nicest thing about intimacy is that it comes in many forms. It’s not really as scary as I thought it was. In fact, it’s actually fun sharing our thoughts, feelings, sorrows, joys, failures, successes, fears, hopes, dreams, laughter and tears. However, it has a starting point – a mutual agreement, whether spoken or unspoken, that it is a relationship that is worth keeping, and a commitment that it’s ok to be vulnerable.

On Reality

Prov 14:10 - Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. 

I find it fascinating that we spend a lot of time in our thoughts -- thinking about how things should be, or plan what we need to do or say, or fantasize about how our future should be. Yet, most of our thoughts never come to pass. Why do we do this, and for what purpose?

I don't know about you, but I enjoy being in my thoughts. It's like my own universe, my own reality, where everything is in my control. Sometimes, I let the Lord in. Sometimes, it becomes prayer. But most of the time, it is a world where I am god. It's irrational, but it's my bad habit. Probably even an addiction.

There are times when I plan based on my thoughts, and some of them never materialize. I have developed a way to cope with it by telling myself this -- "My plans are based on my reality. And praise God, my reality is not someone else's reality, otherwise, that would really suck. Coz I'm such a foolish planner! If it materialized as I planned, that would be a bit shameful."

Why do we obsess about our reality and hope that it becomes real? Could it be that we want to be god, and control everything? Could it be that we want others to be involved in our reality? Truth is, our realities hardly intersect, unless we come to some form of agreement and communication that we have a shared reality.

Every time I have this thought it my head, I am reminded of the verse above: Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. No one can read our minds. No one can feel our feelings for us. We can try, but it will never be 100% accurate. Somehow, there is something inside of us that want and need to be understood. But it seems to be hard to find.

Today, I was reminded of one truth: there is Someone Who understands our bitterness and our joy. He is Someone that no matter where we turn, our reality will always be His reality. And it's because He is God is He knows all. This truth is always comforting to know, especially in moments that I wish I was heard or understood. But then again, maybe I was asking from the wrong people. I had the One Who does all along. Why did I have to search far?

Receiving Love

Galatians 6:9 - And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

One of the things that I noticed about human beings is their ability to GIVE LOVE EASILY. However, to receive love is a different story. It seems to harder to do.

Why is it difficult to receive love? I have listed down my personal principles of receiving love. Hopefully, as I grow older, my list gets better, and more grounded on wisdom and understanding.

1. Be wise to discern between love that expects something (or everything) from you vs. love that is freely given. The former has the intent to trap you, and will demand from you soon, if not, very soon. It will bring guilty feelings and will make you feel responsible. As if you owe them. The latter does not add any burden to you. If you encounter the former, don’t get too close.
2. To those who love freely, accept their love because it is a pleasure for them to give. Accept it so that they do not feel like they owe you. Make your friendship with them light, and a wonderful thing to keep.
3. To those whom you accept love from, give them the best of your love — TIME. Lots of it. Give them best quantity and quality time. Not half-baked, but pure and undefiled attention. Share with them memories, laughter, sorrows and victories.
4. Observe them, and watch their habits. Sincerely know them for who they are. They are a keeper.

I chose the verse above because I know what I will reap. Love. The real one.

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I Can Do All Things

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things because of Messiah who strengthens me. 

Hello. If you are reading this, I am guessing you are one of these people:

1. You are currently struggling, believing that what is before you is conquerable, and you are waiting patiently for your day of deliverance.
2. You are suffering from self-sufficiency, you know you can do all things, sometimes, taking all the credit. You know in your heart that all the credit does not belong to you, but you don’t know how to position yourself.
3. You are both 1 and 2, and you are probably feeling very tired and exhausted. And you desperately need some rest.

I do not have a word of encouragement for you that will make all of your struggles go away. However, I am offering you companionship, that whatever you are going through, you are not alone. I hope that your day of deliverance comes, and it comes quickly. I pray that you would overcome yourself, and know for sure that your strength is from Above. I pray that you will find rest for your soul, and you will have peace that transcends all understanding. I may not know who you are, but I am celebrating in advance with you for that day to come to you.

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Brokenness

Isa 61:1 - The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor; He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted… 

Broken. It’s one word that best describes the world and the human condition. Yet, many of us, if not, most of us do not know that we are. We live in a generation that believes “all is well.” We are trained to “think positive.” However, it diminishes man’s sense of truth and the ability to confront it. Hence, our generation finds it virtually impossible to accept this — “I am broken.”

Why do we not want to accept this? Is it because broken people appear weak, and we are expected to be “strong”? Is it because we are afraid no one will help us? Is it because we hardly hear people talk about this, and it would make us appear… different? Is it because we don’t seem to have a human solution for brokenness, and the people who seem to have figured it out offers a God solution?

What if we really are broken and what we need is a God solution?

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Rested and Grateful (Day 14)

A wise woman once shared that it is good for us to set up memorial stones for the milestones of our lives.  Just as Joshua Ben Nun did in the Old Testament (Tanakh) in every major victory that he conquered with the Israelites.

So today, I am setting a memorial stone to remember the events that happened last week, the first week of September.  It was a very refreshing week, considering that it was preceded by weeks of confusion and disappointment.

Things that I am grateful for:

1. Seeing things that were planned to come into fruition - especially at work
2. Knowing that in my hidden sorrows, God hears me and answers me differently than I expected.  And it always turns out way better than I imagined.
3. Having the most beautiful friendships that I could ever ask for - where we share sleepless nights, memories, loads of laughter, stories and perceptions, our personal relationship with the Lord... and lots of food and blessings.
4. Receiving God's provision and answered prayers in the most unexpected way where I can experience God's love to the fullest - until where my heart is capable of accepting, and even more.
5. Hearing from family far away, yet, I feel their heart, their breath, their emotions as if they are right in front of me.

These things made me realize that the most important thing in life is relationships.  As a woman who values excellence in everything, I learned that I must strive excellence first in relationships more than anything.  To get to that point, I must learn His ways of doing this - not the ways that I know that pleases my flesh.

My love tank is overflowing today.  Praise the Lord.

Top-left: view of Netanya with my thermos from a wonderful friend with a very beautiful heart.  Top-right: Sept 6 morning, I woke up for the third time seeing rainbows.  No pictures taken from the other 2 days.  Bottom: Breathtaking view from the 10/F balcony.

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On Spiritual Warfare (Day 13)

Ephesians 6:12 - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Feast preparation.  Relational conflicts.  Different opinions and ways.  Spiritual warfare.

In my 32 years of existence, I have not experienced spiritual warfare as intense as what I am going through at the moment. I feel like I could not rest. I would have little victories, and in a short while, I will start all over again. Ready to be crushed. Or become victorious. Sometimes, I do not know what the new day will bring. Will it bring sorrow or joy or both? Like all of the emotions from Inside Out are happening all at the same time.

I am writing today to encourage myself. What are the advantages of spiritual warfare?

1. It’s the only kind of warfare where I know I am not going to die. My life is eternal, so it’s ok if I get shot many times. I won’t die.
2. It’s the kind of warfare that I know my Commander has already won. The time that I would experience defeat is when I allow myself to be deceived.
3. The main weapon of the enemy is guilt. When guilt strikes, I would start questioning my identity. Then comes the downward spiral. The faster I get out of it, the better. The hope is, it’s possible to conquer it through Messiah.
4. The harder the warfare, the greater chance I will need an upgrade on my weapons of war. I only have to ask and believe that I will receive it.
5. The weapons of war are powerful.  But we need to learn how to wear it, use it and guard it.  This takes some time and process, and oftentimes, wounds of battle.

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The Man in the Garden

Genesis 2:18 - Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 

Okay. It’s time to be vulnerable. After several conversations with friends, and with the Lord, I think I need to start praying about a helpmate. I’m 32, and I admit, I have the “I’m getting older” anxieties. Reason why I’m writing this is purely for accountability. Things that I don’t expose to the world tend to disappear, and I would pretend as if I never had them.

Who is this man that I am praying for? This is the list that I would like to keep. I do not want to compromise anymore, which I have been doing for decades.

1. A man who loves the Lord - who is not ashamed of Him, who can speak boldly about what He is doing in his life, a man who trusts in Him.
2. A man who is passionate about his work. Just like me.
3. A man who is positive and flexible. Someone who can find creative ways to put things in right perspective.
4. A man who is forgiving and patient. Because for sure, I’ll screw up.
5. A man who is committed to personal development, always willing to learn and to be changed. Searching his heart before the Lord is one of his best habits.
6. A man who is driven by a vision. He is a planner, and he has ambition.
7. A man who loves the Word of God, so he could teach me and we can learn together.
8. A man who is interested about my life. I’m a listener, just as I am a talker. I feel freedom when I am able to listen just as I could talk. This for me is an indicator of intimacy.
9. A man who is not afraid to confront truth.  He may not have mastered the art of doing it in love at all times, but he would like to get there.

I don’t know if you exist. But for sure, there exists a woman who desires to be this person. That woman is me. I know that when I meet you, I will recognize you. Because I will see our Father in you. And I will see myself in you, too.

This Land is Mine (Day 12)

Deuteronomy 1:8 - See, I have set the land before you. Enter and take possession of the land the LORD swore to give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and their future descendants. 

It's interesting that the world considers Israel as an "occupier". Have they even bothered to define the term "occupier"? An occupier is a group of people who conquer/ed a piece of land and claiming it as their own. Which makes practically every group of people* who conquered Israel an occupier. If we trace history, the very first resident of Jerusalem is Melchizedek (I could be wrong). So should we use him as a judge on who owns the land? If not, then what is the right principle to follow, given that the definition of ownership is quite vague?

Assuming that the definition above is the right definition - it's safe to say that Caucasian people are occupiers of the US, because the Native Americans are Reds. And the majority of the Filipino people are occupiers as well, including myself, as we do not seem to be from the Taong Tabon lineage.

My only point is this - if we judge others with a certain standard, should we not also check ourselves with the same standard we are imposing on them?

* People who occupied the land of Israel since 3300 BC --- Canaanite - Israelite - Babylonian - Persian - Greeks - Romans - Byzantine - Muslim - Crusader - Mameluk - Ottoman - British - Israel

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Doing Your Best (Day 11)

Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men

Today, I woke up with an epiphany, How can I forget this? “To do your best like you are working for the Lord, without fear of rejection. If you know your motives are pure, you can press on, and work hard with much endurance.”

I don’t know where this all started. Lack of motivation has been bringing me down for the past few months. I can see it coz I carry myself as if I’m wearing sackcloth everyday. I can see it in the mirror. As if everyday is a day of mourning. Why? I have joy and peace but without power. No motivation.

Today, the Lord reminded me of who I am in the Messiah. I am an adopted daughter of the Most High, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am royalty. Not a peasant. That I must act based on who I am and not what I feel. So I am starting with how I dress.

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Enjoying The Toil Of Labor (Day 10)

Ecclesiastes 5:19 – Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil--this is a gift of God.

Today was a good day. It was the kind of rest that I needed. It was my social night – not thinking about responsibilities. Just spending time with a good friend.

So what we did was go shopping! It was so much fun, I enjoyed it a lot! I went out with a great friend who is not only a fun travel buddy, but also an awesome fashion stylist! We managed to find my “needs” that I have not responded to for almost a year.

You see, I have decided to live a life of poverty since I came to Israel. What was I thinking? More and more each day, I realized that my decision came from ignorance, lack of trust in the Lord and lack of vision and direction.

I praise the Lord for the lessons that I learned from that decision. Today, I lay down my assumptions and expectations before the Lord. Lord, I ask you to break every deception and lie that is my mind, soul and heart. I am nothing anyway apart from You. So prepare me to lose what I have to lose, and to gain what I need to gain.

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Overcommunication (Day 9)

James 3:6 - The tongue also is a fire… 

I like to explain. Sometimes I feel like I owe everyone an explanation.

Lately, I realized that this is not a real need. Why do I need to explain? What do I intend to gain after explaining? Am I really doing good or harm when I do? These are questions that I asked myself, as I feel like I give too much information.

I was taught that overcommunicating is a healthy habit. While I still agree on that matter, I am starting to see that it is not necessary helpful. In fact, it may even do more harm than good.

As always, I want to submit these thoughts to the Lord. Can I learn how to listen more than speaking? Can I learn the perfect timing of communication? Can You show me purpose and direction when I communicate? Can You show me what is in my heart when I cannot fight the urge to overcommunicate?

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On Political Correctness (Day 8)

John 9:41 - Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt… 

Political correctness. It’s an unspoken rule that most people in organizations practice. It’s the art of not wanting to offend anyone, and the best attempt to please everyone. 

I met someone who hates it. Quite frankly, I found it very refreshing. He said, if I want change, I need to offend people. That horrified me. I struggled with it for more than a year, and I realized, he’s right. 

It takes great boldness to speak the truth without fear of offense. Elijah wanted to die. Jeremiah was depressive. Moses became angry. Jesus… died because of it.

I live in a country that hardly exercise political correctness. However, many of their people, like the ones I mentioned above, triggered massive change in human history.

This led me to ask the Lord important questions: (1) What is the proper way of confrontation with truth? (2) When I offend people, how do I avoid getting hurt?

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A Letter To A Person Who Made A Big Impact In My Life (Day 7)

Ezekiel 44:12 - Because they ministered to them before their idols… 

Hello. I know you don’t read my stuff. It’s been a year since we last saw each other. Honestly, I missed you. No one else laughs at my funny face when I cry. And I always cry when we talk. I missed you for many reasons. (1) Because you empowered me. (2) You made me believe that you understood me. (3) You have always wanted what is best for me. (4) When we talk, you made me feel that you don’t have an agenda. (5) Even though sometimes you give horrible advice, you were the best at listening. I can go on and on, and I would have a long list of why I missed you. But frankly, I missed you because you are still my idol. I wish I know Jesus enough that I would see Him as my Standard, and not you. I am annoyed coz it’s taking a long time to get there. I don’t want to keep wanting to find you in friendships. I just want to get to a point where I want to find Jesus in people. In my heart, I wanted to be like you. But I wish my heart would always say that I want to be like Jesus.  Just Jesus.  I wish my idolatry towards you would end.

(229 words)

Israeli Music (Day 6)

Psalm 95:1 - …let us sing to the Lord… 

I love music. I discovered my love for music since I was 3 or 4.  Unfortunately, my passion for music has been subdued for almost a year.  I knew in my heart that I was longing to watch concerts, or to play instruments again.

Today, I had the privilege of watching a open-air concert in Jerusalem. I was taking a stroll down memory lane. I was watching the entire production doing their thing — from manning the lights, balancing the sound levels, switching equipment from the front act to the main band, to make sure that the bands are fully equipped to perform.

Two things that made me smile tonight: (1) audience participation at its finest — I was impressed that everyone knows the lyrics of the songs; (2) the lyrics of the songs that I understood — it’s not often that I hear songs that worship the Lord in a public and secular setting. Tonight, I heard a lot of songs of praise.*

Sigh, I love living in Israel.

(177 words)
*One of the songs played tonight: There is a God (יש אלוהים).  Lyrics HERE.

Little Surprises (Day 5)

Ecclesiates 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its appropriate time 

“Are you ok?” This was my roommate’s greeting this morning when we met at the hallway. I fell asleep last night with the lights on and door opened. I slept through the night for 10 long hours.

“I think the Lord wants me to stop being superwoman.” This is was my response. She graciously proposed that we go out tonight. It would be nice to see the Festival at the Sultan’s Pool.

Despite the busy day, I left work relatively earlier. We met at my favorite shop - the Jerusalem Experience*, and saw our friend Asaf.

We walked to the Old City, and had falafel pita for dinner.** We saw the event, but we didn’t go anyway. On our way home, we saw a new cinema - Yes Planet. It seems like a cool place to hangout! And it’s just a 5-minute walk from home!

Much to our surprise, there was a free concern happening in the cinema. We stopped by to discover that the band played tunes from her generation to the millenial generation! Who would have thought we can go to 2 concerts in 1 week? And pay for the price of 1?

Festival 2015

Concert at the Yes Planet Cinema

We made our plans, but the Lord guided our steps. He definitely knows what time means. I thank God is He a Master of time.

(233 words)

NOTE: Today, I am writing way beyond 150 words. The Lord rebuked me thru Jo (my roommate) that I shouldn’t beat myself up with man-made rules. I still want to do this writing thing, but I also need to exercise grace and mercy to myself.

*Jerusalem Experience is located at Jaffa Street 17, Jerusalem. The store owners are awesome! :)

**Who says you can't have 16 NIS dinner in Jerusalem? Jaffa Gate Falafel is located near the Jaffa Gate. When you reach Jaffa Gate, head straight, at the first alley on your left, you will see the small falafel kiosk.

What is Fasting for You? (Day 4)

Matthew 6:16 - When you fast… 

I want to write this entry in a different way. I'm writing it in a form of questions. I’m trying to get some interaction from whoever is reading this.

I’ve always been fascinated with fasting. Fasting, in the Bible, is always associated with humility and weakness of the human body. It is also associated with the power of the Holy Spirit. And in some verses, about discipline.

Fasting is also special because it transcends faiths. Muslims, Buddhist, Hindus do it, too. For Judeo-Christian faith, fasting is a regular thing.

So, my dear reader, I would like to ask you some questions. What does fasting mean for you? When do you fast?  How often do you fast?  Why do you fast?  What are the benefits that you experienced from fasting?  When you fast, what’s your main goal?  How did fasting change you?

Feel free to comment, or use this for your personal reflection.

(154 words)

A Writer's Block (Day 3)

Proverbs 16:9 - The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.

Today, I struggled with writing an entry. A writer’s block, as we call it. I had a few ideas in my head on what to write about. Should I write a prayer? An interesting memory? Should I take this time to thank my friends? I tried to write but I can’t seem to find the right words. No pun intended. Restlessly walking, I finally asked the Lord THE question: Why can’t I write?

I felt the Lord search my heart at that moment. My motives does not seem to be at the right place. Hence, the message would be unclear and vague. It will lack clarity and purpose. This writing situation seems like an interesting journey. I initially wanted this for the sake of personal development. Today is just the third day. I feel like the Lord has other plans.

(156 words)

How to Turn a Hot Summer Weekend into a Fabulous One (Day 2)

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is an appointed time for everything 

1. Avoid working overtime before Shabbat. Take time to prepare for the appointed day of rest.
2. Laugh. Send silly messages to your friends and family. Out of ideas? Use Dubsmash. 
3. Read. Nothing beats a dose of light reading especially when it’s about the Lord. Better yet, read together with good friends. The Torah portion is perfect for Shabbat evenings.
4. Play music and dance. Celebrate with a friend or two. Snacks may come in handy.
5. SLEEP.
6. Head to a place with proper air conditioning. Watch a movie. Cry. Laugh. Reflect. Appreciate. 
7. Drive to a park and do a braai. Bring meat, vegetables and marshmallows.
8. Watch the stars. They’re amazing.
9. Do something new. Take the bus to the airport, and have coffee with a good friend.
10. Visit a friend nearby. Eat a huge portion of home-cooked meal.
11. Write about your lovely weekend.

(150 words)

150 Words (Day 1)

Genesis 1:1,3 - In the beginning… God said… 

I dreaded writing. I hated expressing myself though words. I was ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. I was afraid of judgment. I believed my ideas should just remain in my head. UNLESS. Unless people will like it. But I could hardly find the right words.

I didn’t do well as a writer in high school. I didn’t do well in the university either. My English was considered basic, not good enough for a regular Atenean.

Here I am, hoping I could get another shot at this. I desire to express myself through words. I want to start small. Baby steps, they say, a maximum of 150 words a day.

My hope is that one day, these will be true for me:

Words are my friend, not my enemy. Words have power to create, not destroy. Words bring life, not death. 

(149 words)
Inspired by Avitama Kumar through Reina Reyes

Appointed Time: Shabbat

Last weekend was a vacation to remember.

Vacation, what does it really mean for me? My last recollection of a real vacation was the first week of July 2014, when I spent my birthday with my family in Davao. Since then, I was so focused on my move to Israel, getting myself acclimated in a new country and a new job, meeting new people, touring friends, and not "overspending" (or should I say, cheapskate-ing?) that I have forgotten what it means to get away from the world AND just be still before the Lord.

So last weekend was that time. As usual, I have a list -- this time, it's my thankful list.

1. I did not feel hurried. I hate being hurried. I feel like anything that is immensely urgent is not from the Lord, because God never hurries me. He takes His time, and He enjoys time, especially with me. It was good because my vacation buddy wanted it the same way as I do -- chill, relaxed, slow-paced. We went on a vacation with nothing planned, except hiring a car and reserving a beautiful cabin at the Mt. Hermon area (Neve Ativ). We didn't have a schedule, and we played by ear. Since there was no agenda and planning, there was no expectation as well. The absence of expectations made it virtually impossible to be disappointed.
2. The life of luxury. I used to enjoy life in luxury. I would reserve the best hotels that I could afford, with the perfect location and a great view, dine at Michelin-star restaurants, find some urban adventures and just enjoy life. 11 months ago, I made an oath to myself to turn away from the life of extravagance, like a vow of poverty of some sort. I succeeded to a certain degree -- until I asked the Lord if I could be spoiled for the month of July while Erin and Guj were here. Somehow, I knew that the Lord was supportive of the idea, which I really appreciated. Each time I would submit my plans to Him regarding my expenses, He gives me confirmation that He is supportive on the matter. In this vacation, I could see very clearly His hand upon the situation -- He changed my heart into a joyful one days before the vacation started, He gave a lot of confirmation in the process, and during the vacation until the very last minute, my heart was just full of Him. On the physical luxury part, the cabin was really fabulous, the staff of the hotel was amazing, the car that we rented was great (which I really enjoyed driving), the places where we ate and went to are just heavenly. That was my life that I thought have died along with my resignation letter. But with the mercy and favor of the Lord, He allowed me to taste that life once again, this time with a new set of eyes and taste buds. I expected the Lord to create a longing in my heart that I would ask Him to restore that life once more -- but I didn't. Instead, I told the Lord, "thank You for that glimpse and the favor. I have not regretted my decision about giving my everything to You. This is the life that I chose, and this is my life with You. You are my Luxury. Not material things."
3. Spending it with a good friend. I learned that I could have and I can be a "for better" friend. I have always labeled myself as a "for worse" friend. It's possible to just laugh about silly things, or be quiet and ignore each other and it's ok, just watch a movie without any intellectual discussion during or after the movie. It's ok not to know everything about each other, it's ok not to talk about your burdens all the time, it's ok to be different from one another, it's ok not to be serious. I missed that. I felt like it's been ages since I had a "for better" friend, or when I was a "for better" friend. I have come to realize that being a "for better" friend allows one to be a separate individual, because in reality, no one can really share our joys. Being a "for worse" friend is a time of unity, that friends share each other sorrow, and be comforted with the same comfort that they have received from the Lord. Friendship comes from balance between the two -- "for better" and "for worse". And I hope I understand this lesson very well, because I would like to have the next one -- "till death do us part". I would like to have real friendships that last longer than a season -- who can both be "for better" and "for worse" at the same time.
4. Lots of time to pray. It was so interesting that the Parshat Torah for the weekend was Deut 3-7. How timely it was that the places that we went to were mentioned in the chapters, i.e. Hermon, Golan, Gilead, the land across Jordan, the Kinnereth, etc. It was like the Lord knew the timing, and He intended for us to read the Parsha in that specific location. But the Lord did not stop there. He put a beautiful verse in my heart last Sunday morning when I woke up -- about Elijah finding God in the still small voice. Prior to that, the Lord showed us several rainbows, a few good clouds in the sky, and at some point, when I was alone eating my chocolates, there was a strong breeze while I was having my prayer time. But my heart was not moved. Only when I woke up with that still small voice early in the morning that tears fell from my eyes after reading the rest of the chapter: 1 Ki 19:13 - the Lord asked Elijah an important question: "Why are you here, Elijah?"  That was a critical question that hit home for me. The Lord started to search my heart, my anxious thoughts, and I knew where He was leading to. I read further and got to verse 15 -- the road through the wilderness of Damascus. I giggled a little bit reading it, as I was close to the border between Syria and Israel. So I decided to take a walk along the mountains of Hermon. I poured out my heart to the Lord, at the same time, hearing from His heart about the Middle East situation. It was a good time to cry and pray and listen to the Lord. After that, I knew my time there was worth it. It was ordained that I must be at that place and that time. 

So now I learned an important lesson -- in EVERYTHING, trust in the Lord. Cease striving. Just walk with Him. And I am happy that everyday is another day to learn more about His heart, about His plans, and I can speak to Him and hear Him with greater precision. Though I may stumble and fall, He will pick me up and get me back on track.

P.S. I am starting to plan my 2016 vacation.  Yay!  I love vacations!

Tisha B'Av

This weekend was an incredibly peaceful time for me.  For the past few weeks, I've had plans outside Jerusalem -- either I had a friend in Jtown, or I had to go somewhere else.  For the first time in 6 weeks, I finally had my nice alone time with the Lord.

I was thinking, maybe I should fast.  I wanted to seek the Lord anyway regarding a certain matter.  Plus it's Tisha B'Av, I might as well join my Jewish neighbors in their commemoration.  For those who do not know what Tisha B'Av means, you can check this website: Tisha B'Av Basics.

So I boldly asked the Lord -- "what is Tisha B'Av for the Jewish people?  What is Tisha B'Av for me?"

Here are my key learnings:

1. The Lord has given me 4 rainbows in the span of 3 days.  Rainbows don't come often during summer because it doesn't rain, nor will you find any clouds.  However, I found rainbows in my room TWICE, some reflection created by random items close to my window -- either a water bottle, or a pink plastic heart that I use for decor.  They lasted for a few minutes until the direction of the sunlight would not be able to make a rainbow inside my room through them.  The 2 other rainbows are by the kitchen sink -- both while I was washing the dishes.  This reminded me of the covenant that the Lord gave the Jewish people -- from the time of Noah, to the time of Abraham, and even to the new covenant in Jeremiah 31, which also applies to me, a follower of Yeshua.  Despite all the tears that the Jewish people cried during Tisha B'Av, the Lord has not changed His mind about fulfilling His promises to them.  The rainbow is a symbol of hope for them.  And it has become a symbol of hope for me.
2. While I was reading the Torah, I have seen a lot of new things, i.e. the Lord was completely aware that Israel will not be able to obey the law.  This was prophesied by Moses in Deuteronomy.   If we really think about it, if Adam and Eve, who lived in paradise, and everything was perfect, were still prone to sin, what about the Israelites, or even us, who live in a fallen world, absolutely imperfect, are we even of greater risk of falling into sin?  This gave me greater appreciation of what Yeshua did on the cross, His sacrifice, and His supplication -- because this is God working on our behalf.  His covenant with us is unilateral -- He is and will always do His part, and will be faithful, even if we are not!  The only sacrifice that we really need is a sacrifice of thanksgiving.
3. I felt I needed to take a break and watch a movie, so I decided to watch The Boy in Striped Pajamas.  Little did I know that it was a heart-wrenching, soul-moving, tear-jerking movie.  I was in absolute tears!  So, in the eve of Tisha B'Av, I was wailing like mad, just like everyone else at the Western Wall.  So I feel you, my Jewish neightbors.  I was wailing with you!  My key takeaway from the movie is that the anti-semitic spirit is absolutely an evil spirit.  In fact, it's a spirit of destruction, it makes a person bankrupt of human morals to the point that it has the ability to treat a Jewish person like trash -- as if they are not human beings.  But when we see them as human beings, we put a name, a face to the word Jew -- they become like us -- fragile, alive, human.  I will always have a face to a Jew.  He's my favorite Jew, and His name is Yeshua.

They say that Tisha B'Av doesn't have a happy ending, unlike Yom Kippur.  But I have a happy ending for the tears that we cried during Tisha B'Av- Psalm 56:

Be gracious to me, O God, for man would crush me; all day long he who battles oppresses me.   All day long my enemies would crush me, for there are many who arrogantly battle against me. 

In the day when I am afraid, I will trust in You.  In God whose word I praise, in God I have trusted; I will not fear. What can mere flesh do to me? 

Every day they twist my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil.  They stir up strife, they lurk, they watch my steps, when they wait for my life. 

Should there be deliverance for them on account of wickedness? In Your anger cast down the peoples, O God. 

You take account of my wandering; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book? 

In the day I cry to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, that God is for me. In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not fear; what can a man do to me? 

Your vows are on me, O God; I will complete them with thank offerings to You; for You have delivered my soul from death, even my feet from stumbling, to walk before God in the light of the living.

Setting Boundaries

For the past few months, my key lesson has been setting proper boundaries.  One of the things that I've noticed is that, as a Filipino, I have difficulty setting boundaries as we are, by nature, a Yes-Man. Not setting proper boundaries will result to toxic and codependent relationships, poor work-life balance, fatigue, emotional stress, and spiritual roller coaster.  There could be more ugly side effects on the lack of setting boundaries.  But I will not be discussing them.  However, I would like to share my top 5 lessons so far.

1. You don't have to please everyone.  Not everyone will be happy with you, so if they are not happy with you, it's OK. (For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10)
2. You don't have to be loved by everyone.  Make it a goal that you are at peace with yourself in your relationships with others.  Keep your eyes on your goal - for a Christian, it's to live in peace with everyone AND to be holy.  (Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14)
3. Trust is a precious gift.  Don't give it away as if it's not worth anything.  It is earned, and it must not given completely in the first meeting.  However, there is such a thing as a healthy level of trust that can be given to someone that has not earned it yet.  For example, your team, your boss, your friends, your family.  You have to trust them to some degree that you are not completely shattered when they don't do their part.  There is only One Person worthy of all your trust, and it is the Lord. (It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8)
4. You are not responsible for another person's feelings.  However, it is your responsibility to act wisely.  People feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed, <name a negative emotion> because they have expectations -- of the situation and of you.  Ask for discernment to know what those expectations are, and know if they are agreed, communicated, reasonable.  There is huge chance that 90% of the expectations are unreasonable, and be ready to firmly say NO when they demand.  For example, a person who expects that all machines will work flawlessly is out of his/her mind.  Machines, like human beings, have their "moods", and they may not work.  What needs to be focused on is how to get it fixed and working, not the state of it not working.  Similar principles apply to relationships.  Expecting relationships to be perfect is like expecting for rapture to happen now -- that everything will be heavenly perfect and there will be no more tears.  It will never be perfect as long as we live, and it is important to know what needs to be fixed, who are involved, and to make a decision if something even needs to be fixed at all. (Where do wars and fights among you come from? Do they not come from your lusts that war in your body? You lust and do not have, so you kill. You desire to have and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have, because you do not ask. You ask, and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3)
5. Focus on whatever is true, honorable and right.  There is no need to try to manage or change the other person's emotion.  Have the decency to give them the right to feel what they feel, and own it.  You don't, so don't try to change it.  Truth, however, can be discussed, and will never change even if emotions keep swaying in different directions. (Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8)

Savior Complex

I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed.  I don't remember exactly which side, but definitely, it was not a very restful night.  I wanted to make sense about what I felt.  Surely, every negative emotion has a reason.  Being a woman who has mastered the art of positivity, I never questioned when I am positive.  I expect myself to be positive.  However, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I obsess about it, hoping that it has to go away ASAP!

Today I came in to work late.  Again.  I had to deal with a lot of my thoughts, and hoping I could find some pattern.  All I know is that my soul is hurting, and I wanted relief.  The reason for its hurt, I do not know.  I wanted to figure out but I am too lazy to sit and seek and wait on the Lord.  I wanted immediate answers.

What woke me up was a cup of coffee.  Not because it's a good cup of coffee with the best tasting beans, but my cup of coffee spilled on me.  I had 3 people helping me clean after my mess because it was a lot.  I used to spill a lot of things in the past.  Mostly, when I am nervous.  And since I'm so used to it, I already know how to respond when that happens -- "Don't over react, grab tissue, clean, pretend as if nothing happened, continue with your life."  Somehow, when I was on my way to my office, I knew something was wrong with me.

So finally I came to terms with myself and sat, sit and sought the Lord for answers.  I was telling the Lord, "Lord, I am tired.  I'm exhausted.  I am tired of feeling tired and I desperately need to learn this quickly.  How do I really rest on You?  It's driving me nuts!  Ok, Your Word tells me that it's unbelief, that's why I am not entering Your rest.  And I do not trust You enough.  But it doesn't tell me how to get out of it.  And I'm tired of struggling."  Imagine me saying this with chutzpah.

The Lord put a verse in my heart, about taking thoughts captive and making it obedient to the Messiah.  I randomly searched the verse on Google and found a link to Utmost.org with this devotional.  What struck me the most is the Moffatt translation of this verse: " “…I take every project prisoner to make it obey Christ….”  I paused a bit, reading thru the rest of the devotional, and the word project was a bit too glaring.  The Lord started to speak in my heart, "Thea, it's your savior complex -  making everything and everyone your project - that's keeping you in disbelief."  I started debating with the Lord, "no, I don't think so, really?"  I decided anyway to find out what the savior complex means, and read a very interesting article: Why My Savior Complex Had to Die.

I was surprised (yes, very much) to see how the writer's thoughts resembled mine.  She came to Kolkata, India thinking that she will make a difference.  She saw that Kolkata is a God-sized job to complete.  Her desire to be a hero was exposed and crushed.  Her smile and positive attitude alone would not feed the hungry, free women from oppression or liberate captives from spiritual darkness with. And like me, she also came to a conclusion that only Jesus the Savior could meet such overwhelming need and make a difference! And that she was simply here to serve Him.  Her Kolkata is my Jerusalem.

I am starting to understand why my lesson is so repetitive.  I have asked the Lord if I am learning properly, because the same lessons seem to go back over and over again.  And I am tired of being a repeater.  So like this woman, I would like to pray for exactly the same thing -- that I want to praise the Lord all my life as the only WORTHY Savior - Yeshua Mashiach, that He may change my motives from a desire for admiration to a desire to humbly serve Him.  And that He may change my savior complex to a servant’s mindset.  Because, like her, I also long to follow His example in serving His people.

Charity

There are 3 things that I want to learn from the Lord in this season, which I hope I will carry with me for the rest of my life: compassion, patience and humility.  This doesn't come without a cost --  heartbreak, disappointment, sacrifice -- and yet, I am far away from my expected outcome.  The more that I ask the Lord for these 3 things, the more I realize how selfish, impatient and proud I am.  How I desire for the applause of man, and for me to appear holy.  I can see clearly my heart's tendency to be wicked.  More and more each day, I understand how important it is to receive God's mercy and loving kindness.  I am convinced that there is nothing good in me, apart from the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Yet, despite that knowledge, it is not condemnation that I feel, but something that tells me, there's more to this, and I can choose to walk the path that would lead me there.

There's a teaching in the book of Matthew (Matt 6:1-4) about charity.  While I was thinking and praying about it, if I really want to learn the 3 things that I mentioned above, I must understand what this means not just in my head, but with my hands and my heart:

“Be sure that you not do your charitable deeds before men to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.   “Therefore, when you do your charitable deeds, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do your charitable deeds, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deeds may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly. (Matt 6:1-4)

It's strange that I am posting this on my blog -- it's a bit hypocritical for me to post this, wanting to do good things without being seen by man, and yet, I am writing it here.  However, I am writing it here for me to be accountable to what I am about to learn, should I be successful in executing the commandment above.  I wonder how this will change my life, the way I behave, the way I will view things, the way I will see what genuine service is all about.  To be honest, I'm scared to do this.  I know my heart's tendency to be lonely when I don't get any applause, or affirmation for that matter.  I am also scared that by going this path, will I be misunderstood, or lose my confidence, or even lose myself?  Today, I learned that at some point, Abraham's hardest decision to cut off from is to cut off from himself.  Somehow, there's a part of me that feels excited about the idea of cutting myself off from myself.  But what does it mean for me?  So a new adventure begins, may the Lord sustain me as I confront my weak and deceitful heart.

Heartbroken

My heart grieves.  The world is becoming more and more evil.  Even if it was already written beforehand that this will happen, so I would not fear, I didn't expect that that it comes with heart break towards the people who refuse to accept the Lord.  Why don't people want You, Lord?  Why do they want to live according to their fleshly desires?  Can You save the ones that I love in the day of trouble?  Can You preserve us, the ones who are willing to stand with You until the end?  May Your Word richly dwell in us so we may be faithful in the day of Your return.

Torah Portion (June 20)

Just sharing the summary from my notes on the Shabbat message yesterday. :) This is, of course, tainted with my thoughts.  Not exactly as how it was shared, but with a bit of my insights in it. :)

Torah portion: Korah (Numbers 16:1-18:32)

Important questions to keep in mind:

1. Why was Korah punished severely?
2. Why did we not hear from Moses — Father, forgive them, just as Yeshua/Jesus did?
3. What did Korah do that was so serious?
4. What is the job description of Korah? What is his role?
5. What is Reuben’s family line’s involvement, why was he mentioned?

Korah is a close relative of Moses, one of the renowned people of Israel. What we can gather from the Torah portion is he’s definitely not stupid. His job description is to serve in the Tent of Meeting -- probably he was personally carrying the holy items on his shoulders. We can speculate about why Reuben is involved. Clearly, we can see that this is a play of power. Along with Korah, Dathan and Abiram are 250 “princes” of Israel. If we are putting ourselves in the situation, we can try to imagine where the “we deserve more” attitude. Maybe it’s because Reuben is the first born, ideally should have the birthright… but why the Levites are assigned as priests? What is rather interesting, is the one leading the rebellion is also a Levite — Korah.

Korah’s strategy
1. Brainwashing others — “the whole congregation is HOLY” — making the followers feel good so they would be encouraged to follow him. But are we really holy? (Scripture reference: Be holy as I am Holy - 1 Pet 1:16, referring to a future state of holiness or becoming holy. If we are holy, and have achieved the goal, then what need do we have of God? What need do we have of His ways?)
2. Proclaiming in the name of Israel vs. Moses’ in the name of the LORD
3. The message: we are all holy, Moses, why are you exalting yourself above us, we have the right to priesthood, too! We can do your job! This implies that God didn’t do a good job in choosing the leader, but they are.
His defense: Moses, you brought us out of Egypt, promises us milk and honey, where is it? I don't see it! We know the truth, do you think we're blind? (Reference in Scripture, “do you want us to gouge our eyes out?” a metaphor for "do you think we're blind?")
4. His ultimate goal based on his behavior: to take over and rule over Israel

What this is like in the current age: Religion/Cults
1. Its intent is to rule over others
2. It uses knowledge of the divine, because knowledge is power
3. It tells you what you should do or not do
4. It says almost the truth but not the truth

Moses’ reaction: very (meod, מאוד) angry in English, in Hebrew is Charah (read as kharah, חרה), meaning in pain because of deep sorrow, or burning anger coming from deep sorrow to the point of grieving. At all times, he turned to God (in Tagalog, making sumbong). Understanding Moses' character, we can speculate that he is angry because of how they rebelled against God, and even desired to manipulate him, and God. In a leader's perspective, Charah might the best word to describe his feelings.

Korah’s sin: Rebellion. This is serious matter, like in 1 Sam 15:23, where rebellion is likened to witchcraft. We may not see rebellion as a bad sin, but in the eyes of the Lord, it is like witchcraft, as the intent of witchcraft is to steal from God's glory to make us like gods. What to imagine — if this happened in the current setting, imagine how influential Korah is. He was able to convince 250 influential men to rebel. When they were consumed as a punishment from the Lord, ALL Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron that they have killed the people of the Lord. How the little lies affected an entire community that has seen the glory of the Lord many times over -- parting the Red Sea, manna, the plagues.

Interesting trivia: the sons of Korah, however, did not participate in the rebellion. From this lineage came forth Samuel the prophet, and the sons of Korah who wrote a very beautiful psalm: Ps 42.

Home Away From Home

It's almost 10 months since I left the Philippines.  I've been asked a few times if I miss home.  For some reason, I could not find the right answer to this question -- do I miss home?

I came to a conclusion that my definition of home has changed.  At some point, I would say it's family.  Or my HP team (where I used to work), where everyone is happy and motivated.  Or CCF Eastwood, my home church.  I also thought it was Jerusalem -- coz eventually, this will become my eternal home: the new Jerusalem, plus it is already where I live now.  So what happened?

My first 5 months in Jerusalem had been very difficult.  I missed my country, the people, the conveniences of a life in excessive abundance, the support system.  It was a period of serious adjustment. I realized that the Philippines was very comfortable -- I knew the culture and the language, the way around practically everything, and I had everything that I wanted and needed.  Being in a new country where I was stripped of what I had (especially the things mentioned above) was a major struggle. I was able to prove with my own life the most important principle of change management --- to keep some things unchanged so that the one receiving the change would not drown.  So yeah, I almost drowned, but found help by the grace of God.

I visited the Philippines last January and met up with some friends and family.  There is one startling thing that got me depressed: that I was a completely different person.  The life that I had was no longer there.  I didn't have the same space that I used to have.  Even if it's still there, I would not be the best person for it.  The things that I went through and was going through during that time were not something people understood, no matter how hard I tried.  I believed I was a gifted communicator.  But at that point, my words failed me.

One evening, I cried the most tears I've ever cried in 2015, when I felt like I mourned my death.  It was a turning point of my life that I finally told the Lord -- "Lord, I give up.  The life that I had is no longer mine.  It is now a memory.  It's not a place that I could go back to, and the only option that is available for me is to have a full and beautiful life in this season that I am in."  After making that decision, words started to fill my heart.  The next people that I met understood what I was trying to say.  I realized that they didn't need to know about my struggles.  All they needed to hear are what I learned, using the same language and cultural context that I grew up with.

Last week, I had an amazing time with my Hebrew teacher.  She shared something very beautiful that really touched my heart -- that me going back to the Philippines is like I'm coming from war.  My experiences created a distinct separation between me and the people from my country, that no matter how hard I try, and how hard they try, it's virtually impossible to communicate what demands to be spoken.  However, the one who does it successfully, the one with the ability to bridge the gap, has the power to make a difference, and influence the recipient of the message to see things in a new light.

I just loved the way she said it.  Indeed, I really came from (and still am in) war -- a different kind of war -- a spiritual one, that looks way different with the one that I had.  The effects of that war also required me to think differently, and to prioritize similar things in a more radical way, that is suitable to my current environment.   My mind was transformed from the mind of a mentoring leader who desires to make a difference, to a mind of a strategic soldier that requires utmost obedience to her Leader.

Given all these new context that I am seeing, I do not know if the Philippines will become my home again.  Also, I cannot officially say that I have fully adjusted in Israel.  However, the most profound thing that I have learned about having a home away from home, is that this beautiful Scripture is officially true for me:

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.  They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.  As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.  (John 17:15-19)

I can stand in confidence that despite the changes in my environment, the Lord will protect me from the evil one.  I can be sanctified by the truth.  That I have a home that is not of this world, and I can hope that it will come, a home that may be in a near or distant future, but it's definitely there. My countrymen may think and feel sorry for me because it doesn't sound like a nice and beautiful life.  But in my heart, I just have a new definition of home -- where there is shalom and quiet confidence that God is moving and present.  Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  There is love.  And every separation is an opportunity to bridge the gap -- not for the purpose of vain contribution to society, but for love in its purest form.  

So yeah, I don't miss home because I am home.  But I am longing to show my family and friends in my country that I love them beyond measure.

Hidden Manna

Hello blogging world!  It's been a while since I wrote something -- a thought, a quote, reflection.  Somehow, I feel within me the need to write once again and share random ideas or lessons that I pick up along the way.

You might ask, why did I name my blog Hidden Manna?  This name is inspired by a verse in Revelation 2:17:

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written, which no one knows except he who receives it.

Manna is something that is very close to my heart.  Like the Israelites back in the days of Moses, I had my seasons of wilderness, where I didn't have any choice but to rely on God's "manna".  I am not usually the type of person who asks for help.  However, in God's loving kindness and generosity, help is always on the way, and it comes in perfect timing.

Secondly, the latter part of the verse talks about a white stone with a new name written, which no one knows except he who receives it.  I find this part very personal, like a secret that no one understands except the one who possesses it.  Everyone has something hidden in his heart -- whether it's something good or bad.  But this one refers to something rather intimate and special, and I believe it is better than good.  It may be something that no one could ever relate to, but I know that whatever that hidden thing is, Someone understands it.   Between the Giver and the receiver, the white stone is probably like a precious gem.

So hopefully, this blog would also be a source of manna to whoever reads it.  May this blog be also my source of hope in the days of sorrow when I return to it, to remember the good things that I have picked up along the way -- white stones of beautiful memories. :)