I Want to Know What Love is

Proverbs 19:22 - What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar. 

I have a concern. I realized that there are just waaaayyy too many advice regarding relationships. If you are reading this, you might be thinking, what will this article say now about relationships? If you are like me, you may have the tendency to accept advice as they come, but do we really test them whether they are true or not? I have listed down the top 7 competing thoughts in my head about relationships.

1. It is the Lord Who will give you a partner. It’s a divine appointment.
2. You are given the freedom to choose your partner. Just have standards.
3. You will know when he is the right person. You can go with what you feel.
4. Chemistry is so important. Without it, there is no attraction.
5. The guy has to make a move first. The girl must not do anything, and just hope and pray.
6. The girl must give hints to a man so that he will be encouraged to move forward.
7. You need to identify what you need and want in a person, otherwise, you’ll end up with someone you don’t want.

While these points may be true to some degree at a certain period in any male-female relationship, it leaves the listener, especially a woman, a bit hanging. Surely, it is good to heed advice from people. Women tend to accept any form of advice out of desperation, saying, “maybe if I follow this advice, I will get what I want - marriage.” But when a better advice comes along, we follow the new advice and so forth. I am led to think that the reason why there are so many advice regarding this matter, is that there is a huge demand for great relationships all over the world. For me, as a single woman, it makes me think that relationships are difficult. Instead of feeling hopeful, I could feel hopeless, or think - is there something wrong with me, why I can’t figure this out? I am also led to ask myself, am I desperate, or do I want a husband too much?

I acknowledge the fact that finding a boyfriend is not an easy journey. Being married is a thousand times more difficult. So I am trying to be practical with my thoughts - is this a right goal? Because if it is a goal, then I must identify the parameters that are required to reach that goal. Are the parameters controllable, or which of them are controllable? My conclusion regarding this matter is that the only controllable and common parameter in every relationship is ME.

Who is this controllable parameter? I am a woman who has freedom to choose my actions. I am free to allow the Lord to change me. I am free to decide how I view every situation that comes before me. I am free to walk away from things and people that are not good for me. I am free to pause, reflect and pray, and to test whether what is before me will be good for me - emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

One important lesson that I learned last year was that my relationship with the Lord is way too precious that I must not allow anything or anyone disturb it to a point of compromise. All my choicest relationships must consider my relationship with the Lord as sacred. Anything that compromises my relationship with the Lord is idolatry or harlotry. I must learn to be strong enough to say no to those things, otherwise, I am making a statement that my relationship with the Lord is not important anymore. Meanwhile, I must acknowledge that human love is such a beautiful and amazing thing, that I might be tempted, but I must be committed enough to the Lord to present everything before Him - my thoughts and my feelings, so I allow Him to be first.

On the other hand, I am also thinking about human love, loving your neighbor as yourself. My pastor in Israel was telling me something profound about this commandment. In Hebrew, the word “as yourself” is written as כמוך, which could also mean - “who is like you”. Love my neighbor who is like me - desperate for unfailing love, could be a hypocrite, may be prideful, inconsistent, could be ashamed, guilty, sinful. Given the limitation of man due to our fallen nature, I learned that I must be committed to ongoing self improvement, acknowledging my strengths, being honest with my weaknesses and be open to love myself despite my weaknesses, and having hope at the possibility that the Lord can do great and amazing things to an open heart. While we commit ourselves to become a better version of ourselves, we will have the opportunity to add value to our relationships - more joy, peace, love, laughter, time. Plus I have some security that I am in the center of God’s will - to love Him and myself and others - and this is a holy cause.

Who knows, maybe we’ll end up thinking that the key to finding the right partner is just point #1 as written above: It is the Lord Who will give you a partner. It’s a divine appointment.