Tisha B'Av

This weekend was an incredibly peaceful time for me.  For the past few weeks, I've had plans outside Jerusalem -- either I had a friend in Jtown, or I had to go somewhere else.  For the first time in 6 weeks, I finally had my nice alone time with the Lord.

I was thinking, maybe I should fast.  I wanted to seek the Lord anyway regarding a certain matter.  Plus it's Tisha B'Av, I might as well join my Jewish neighbors in their commemoration.  For those who do not know what Tisha B'Av means, you can check this website: Tisha B'Av Basics.

So I boldly asked the Lord -- "what is Tisha B'Av for the Jewish people?  What is Tisha B'Av for me?"

Here are my key learnings:

1. The Lord has given me 4 rainbows in the span of 3 days.  Rainbows don't come often during summer because it doesn't rain, nor will you find any clouds.  However, I found rainbows in my room TWICE, some reflection created by random items close to my window -- either a water bottle, or a pink plastic heart that I use for decor.  They lasted for a few minutes until the direction of the sunlight would not be able to make a rainbow inside my room through them.  The 2 other rainbows are by the kitchen sink -- both while I was washing the dishes.  This reminded me of the covenant that the Lord gave the Jewish people -- from the time of Noah, to the time of Abraham, and even to the new covenant in Jeremiah 31, which also applies to me, a follower of Yeshua.  Despite all the tears that the Jewish people cried during Tisha B'Av, the Lord has not changed His mind about fulfilling His promises to them.  The rainbow is a symbol of hope for them.  And it has become a symbol of hope for me.
2. While I was reading the Torah, I have seen a lot of new things, i.e. the Lord was completely aware that Israel will not be able to obey the law.  This was prophesied by Moses in Deuteronomy.   If we really think about it, if Adam and Eve, who lived in paradise, and everything was perfect, were still prone to sin, what about the Israelites, or even us, who live in a fallen world, absolutely imperfect, are we even of greater risk of falling into sin?  This gave me greater appreciation of what Yeshua did on the cross, His sacrifice, and His supplication -- because this is God working on our behalf.  His covenant with us is unilateral -- He is and will always do His part, and will be faithful, even if we are not!  The only sacrifice that we really need is a sacrifice of thanksgiving.
3. I felt I needed to take a break and watch a movie, so I decided to watch The Boy in Striped Pajamas.  Little did I know that it was a heart-wrenching, soul-moving, tear-jerking movie.  I was in absolute tears!  So, in the eve of Tisha B'Av, I was wailing like mad, just like everyone else at the Western Wall.  So I feel you, my Jewish neightbors.  I was wailing with you!  My key takeaway from the movie is that the anti-semitic spirit is absolutely an evil spirit.  In fact, it's a spirit of destruction, it makes a person bankrupt of human morals to the point that it has the ability to treat a Jewish person like trash -- as if they are not human beings.  But when we see them as human beings, we put a name, a face to the word Jew -- they become like us -- fragile, alive, human.  I will always have a face to a Jew.  He's my favorite Jew, and His name is Yeshua.

They say that Tisha B'Av doesn't have a happy ending, unlike Yom Kippur.  But I have a happy ending for the tears that we cried during Tisha B'Av- Psalm 56:

Be gracious to me, O God, for man would crush me; all day long he who battles oppresses me.   All day long my enemies would crush me, for there are many who arrogantly battle against me. 

In the day when I am afraid, I will trust in You.  In God whose word I praise, in God I have trusted; I will not fear. What can mere flesh do to me? 

Every day they twist my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil.  They stir up strife, they lurk, they watch my steps, when they wait for my life. 

Should there be deliverance for them on account of wickedness? In Your anger cast down the peoples, O God. 

You take account of my wandering; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book? 

In the day I cry to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, that God is for me. In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not fear; what can a man do to me? 

Your vows are on me, O God; I will complete them with thank offerings to You; for You have delivered my soul from death, even my feet from stumbling, to walk before God in the light of the living.

Setting Boundaries

For the past few months, my key lesson has been setting proper boundaries.  One of the things that I've noticed is that, as a Filipino, I have difficulty setting boundaries as we are, by nature, a Yes-Man. Not setting proper boundaries will result to toxic and codependent relationships, poor work-life balance, fatigue, emotional stress, and spiritual roller coaster.  There could be more ugly side effects on the lack of setting boundaries.  But I will not be discussing them.  However, I would like to share my top 5 lessons so far.

1. You don't have to please everyone.  Not everyone will be happy with you, so if they are not happy with you, it's OK. (For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10)
2. You don't have to be loved by everyone.  Make it a goal that you are at peace with yourself in your relationships with others.  Keep your eyes on your goal - for a Christian, it's to live in peace with everyone AND to be holy.  (Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14)
3. Trust is a precious gift.  Don't give it away as if it's not worth anything.  It is earned, and it must not given completely in the first meeting.  However, there is such a thing as a healthy level of trust that can be given to someone that has not earned it yet.  For example, your team, your boss, your friends, your family.  You have to trust them to some degree that you are not completely shattered when they don't do their part.  There is only One Person worthy of all your trust, and it is the Lord. (It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8)
4. You are not responsible for another person's feelings.  However, it is your responsibility to act wisely.  People feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed, <name a negative emotion> because they have expectations -- of the situation and of you.  Ask for discernment to know what those expectations are, and know if they are agreed, communicated, reasonable.  There is huge chance that 90% of the expectations are unreasonable, and be ready to firmly say NO when they demand.  For example, a person who expects that all machines will work flawlessly is out of his/her mind.  Machines, like human beings, have their "moods", and they may not work.  What needs to be focused on is how to get it fixed and working, not the state of it not working.  Similar principles apply to relationships.  Expecting relationships to be perfect is like expecting for rapture to happen now -- that everything will be heavenly perfect and there will be no more tears.  It will never be perfect as long as we live, and it is important to know what needs to be fixed, who are involved, and to make a decision if something even needs to be fixed at all. (Where do wars and fights among you come from? Do they not come from your lusts that war in your body? You lust and do not have, so you kill. You desire to have and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have, because you do not ask. You ask, and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3)
5. Focus on whatever is true, honorable and right.  There is no need to try to manage or change the other person's emotion.  Have the decency to give them the right to feel what they feel, and own it.  You don't, so don't try to change it.  Truth, however, can be discussed, and will never change even if emotions keep swaying in different directions. (Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8)

Savior Complex

I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed.  I don't remember exactly which side, but definitely, it was not a very restful night.  I wanted to make sense about what I felt.  Surely, every negative emotion has a reason.  Being a woman who has mastered the art of positivity, I never questioned when I am positive.  I expect myself to be positive.  However, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I obsess about it, hoping that it has to go away ASAP!

Today I came in to work late.  Again.  I had to deal with a lot of my thoughts, and hoping I could find some pattern.  All I know is that my soul is hurting, and I wanted relief.  The reason for its hurt, I do not know.  I wanted to figure out but I am too lazy to sit and seek and wait on the Lord.  I wanted immediate answers.

What woke me up was a cup of coffee.  Not because it's a good cup of coffee with the best tasting beans, but my cup of coffee spilled on me.  I had 3 people helping me clean after my mess because it was a lot.  I used to spill a lot of things in the past.  Mostly, when I am nervous.  And since I'm so used to it, I already know how to respond when that happens -- "Don't over react, grab tissue, clean, pretend as if nothing happened, continue with your life."  Somehow, when I was on my way to my office, I knew something was wrong with me.

So finally I came to terms with myself and sat, sit and sought the Lord for answers.  I was telling the Lord, "Lord, I am tired.  I'm exhausted.  I am tired of feeling tired and I desperately need to learn this quickly.  How do I really rest on You?  It's driving me nuts!  Ok, Your Word tells me that it's unbelief, that's why I am not entering Your rest.  And I do not trust You enough.  But it doesn't tell me how to get out of it.  And I'm tired of struggling."  Imagine me saying this with chutzpah.

The Lord put a verse in my heart, about taking thoughts captive and making it obedient to the Messiah.  I randomly searched the verse on Google and found a link to Utmost.org with this devotional.  What struck me the most is the Moffatt translation of this verse: " “…I take every project prisoner to make it obey Christ….”  I paused a bit, reading thru the rest of the devotional, and the word project was a bit too glaring.  The Lord started to speak in my heart, "Thea, it's your savior complex -  making everything and everyone your project - that's keeping you in disbelief."  I started debating with the Lord, "no, I don't think so, really?"  I decided anyway to find out what the savior complex means, and read a very interesting article: Why My Savior Complex Had to Die.

I was surprised (yes, very much) to see how the writer's thoughts resembled mine.  She came to Kolkata, India thinking that she will make a difference.  She saw that Kolkata is a God-sized job to complete.  Her desire to be a hero was exposed and crushed.  Her smile and positive attitude alone would not feed the hungry, free women from oppression or liberate captives from spiritual darkness with. And like me, she also came to a conclusion that only Jesus the Savior could meet such overwhelming need and make a difference! And that she was simply here to serve Him.  Her Kolkata is my Jerusalem.

I am starting to understand why my lesson is so repetitive.  I have asked the Lord if I am learning properly, because the same lessons seem to go back over and over again.  And I am tired of being a repeater.  So like this woman, I would like to pray for exactly the same thing -- that I want to praise the Lord all my life as the only WORTHY Savior - Yeshua Mashiach, that He may change my motives from a desire for admiration to a desire to humbly serve Him.  And that He may change my savior complex to a servant’s mindset.  Because, like her, I also long to follow His example in serving His people.

Charity

There are 3 things that I want to learn from the Lord in this season, which I hope I will carry with me for the rest of my life: compassion, patience and humility.  This doesn't come without a cost --  heartbreak, disappointment, sacrifice -- and yet, I am far away from my expected outcome.  The more that I ask the Lord for these 3 things, the more I realize how selfish, impatient and proud I am.  How I desire for the applause of man, and for me to appear holy.  I can see clearly my heart's tendency to be wicked.  More and more each day, I understand how important it is to receive God's mercy and loving kindness.  I am convinced that there is nothing good in me, apart from the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Yet, despite that knowledge, it is not condemnation that I feel, but something that tells me, there's more to this, and I can choose to walk the path that would lead me there.

There's a teaching in the book of Matthew (Matt 6:1-4) about charity.  While I was thinking and praying about it, if I really want to learn the 3 things that I mentioned above, I must understand what this means not just in my head, but with my hands and my heart:

“Be sure that you not do your charitable deeds before men to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.   “Therefore, when you do your charitable deeds, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do your charitable deeds, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deeds may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly. (Matt 6:1-4)

It's strange that I am posting this on my blog -- it's a bit hypocritical for me to post this, wanting to do good things without being seen by man, and yet, I am writing it here.  However, I am writing it here for me to be accountable to what I am about to learn, should I be successful in executing the commandment above.  I wonder how this will change my life, the way I behave, the way I will view things, the way I will see what genuine service is all about.  To be honest, I'm scared to do this.  I know my heart's tendency to be lonely when I don't get any applause, or affirmation for that matter.  I am also scared that by going this path, will I be misunderstood, or lose my confidence, or even lose myself?  Today, I learned that at some point, Abraham's hardest decision to cut off from is to cut off from himself.  Somehow, there's a part of me that feels excited about the idea of cutting myself off from myself.  But what does it mean for me?  So a new adventure begins, may the Lord sustain me as I confront my weak and deceitful heart.