5 Smooth Stones

Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd’s pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine. (1 Sam17:40)

Everyone has his own troubles and trials. David, as a young man, had a bear, a lion, brothers giving him a hard time. And he had Goliath.

Goliath was an important opponent. He was a new and powerful enemy, but somehow, David had the confidence that he was ready to fight him. He represented a enemy kingdom - in which if David would defeat Goliath, there were legal or territorial implications to both kingdoms. He was the last opponent David had before his life started a whole new season.

David fought this jaw-dropping, unforgettable battle not with sword or javelin, but with the name of the LORD of Hosts, the God of the armies of Israel. He had full knowledge that the battle is the LORD’s and he will win. His choice of weapon: 5 smooth stones. The battled marked an entirely new season for David - from David the shepherd, to David the warrior, then soon after, to David the king. 

I like David’s choice of weapon. They were light, smooth and far-reaching. If it reaches the target right, it can achieve great victory. I often think that I need to collect 5 smooth stones in every season in my life, and the stones come in a form of lessons that are far-reaching and transcending times and situations, smoothened by turbulent waters, and light - because it makes me feel light by having them in my heart.

My most recent season that ended brought me a few smooth stones - precious lessons that I’ve gathered for the past 3+ years in Jerusalem, in a place where there’s diversity of nations, peoples, cultures, assumptions, denominations, but rooted in the love of Christ Jesus. I’ll share with you 5 of smoothest ones.

1. Over communicate - in an international organization, people have different assumptions and definitions of things. We also have different expressions, thought patterns and emotional disposition. Some are more creative, some are more methodical. We bring with us the uniqueness of our nation, background, experience and skills. However, while it makes the Body incredibly beautiful, it can also be a source of misunderstanding. Hence, there’s a need to over communicate - even if it means conversations will be a lot longer. It is uncomfortable at first, but you’ll get used to it. 
2. Dry dock - I took this concept from Sara Lanier’s book called Foreign to Familiar. In an international assignment, expats often have a hard time adjusting because their basic needs are not easily met - deep and safe friendships, love, affection, respect, emotional connection. Dry docking is the time for a boat or ship to come to rest on a dry platform for repair and maintenance. We, human beings, also need a time of rest in a stable place, where we know we are completely loved and accepted, a time to heal emotional wounds. Going home to your family is a good way to do this. Being part of a local body of believers will help, too. Being in the Body not only gives you a safe place to just be, it’s also a place to hear and learn. Hearing and knowing the truth often leads to healing. Because we only see in part, and we are limited by our flesh, being in the Body allows us to see things in a different way.  While there is only One Way, there is always another angle. 
3. Number our days to gain a heart of wisdom - when you know you have limited time, it will be easier to sift through the negatives, and you can gain new strength to find the positives.  Time is limited, make the most out of it, they say. In the process of numbering my days in order to gain a heart of wisdom, the most beautiful thing I saw is a person's heart that loves the Lord.  He showed me an important lesson - do not to regard a person in the flesh, but in the design of the Lord for each person.  In His eyes, everyone is a victorious prince or princess.  We don't always live like one, but He sees the victorious Son in every person covered in His blood. I don't see others like that often, either. But I know He can show me again if I forget. 
4. While it is absolutely necessary and good to hear from the Lord, there is a possibility that it won't turn out exactly the way that we heard because flesh gets in the way - the need to be affirmed, to get what we want, to be seen righteous, etc.  But it's ok.  Even Paul took time to get there.  Only until it was a matter of life and death and persecution that I read him say - I have faith that it will happen exactly as how the Lord told me it'll happen (see book of Acts, he said this before a shipwreck).  The Lord allows us to get into this zone to keep us humble and to depend on Him.  It's not good to live life apart from Him.  There is no end in dying to self, in crucifying the flesh and living each day of being close to Him until we leave our mortal bodies.  Listening to Him takes time, effort, mileage, experience and so much more.  It takes a lot of death to self and expectations. The more painful, the better.  Where there is more need for death and grace, there is more opportunity for resurrection. 
5. You don’t have to change anyone - people are not our project. We are not supposed to change them. There’s this wonderful quote that Rumi wrote (with a longer version written by an unknown monk): “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” More and more each day, I am convinced that healing the sick and raising the dead are easier for God to do. Transforming hearts is the biggest miracle that He has done, and is still doing until now. This doesn’t happen without our personal choice to be changed. And our job for others? To accept them for who they are. It’s your choice if you want to walk with them.

Best Way to Ruin a Relationship: Unmet Expectations

James 4:1-3. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.   You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

I was told by a wise woman that the key to ruining a marriage is unmet expectations. I am not married, but I realized there is something very profound about that statement. In fact, we can conclude that the key to ruin any form of relationship is unmet expectations.

I was also told by other wise people in my life that if I have expectations, I must put it into words. Business trainings would always tell us that the most important step in building your network is to identify your expectations, other people’s expectations, and manage them accordingly. This is one advice that we can apply in every relationship that we have.

So what are my expectations? I’ve listed down my good expectations and why I think they are good. And my bad expectations, which I hope would be replaced by better narratives when the time is right, or when my heart is ready. 

Of God

1. I expect Him to surprise me, because He is wiser and all-knowing and He can do it because He can.
2. I expect Him to work, with or without me doing anything, because He doesn’t need me to complete His work. He is already sufficient on His own. However, if He chooses to involve me, then I’m up for a great adventure.
3. I expect Him to talk to me, because we are in a relationship. It’s just a right expectation.
4. I expect Him to nudge me when I sin, because sin prevents me from having fellowship with Him. He hates sin, so I expect Him to tell me. I want to go back to point #3, because we are in a relationship, I expect Him to tell me what He doesn’t like.
5. I expect Him to deal with me as quickly as possible, because I don’t want to keep doing stupid things, and stray away. The longer it gets dealt with, the painful it becomes for us.
6. I expect that He will love me no matter what I do, even when I sin. Because His Word says He would. And I expect that He will help me worship Him with all that I am despite my mistakes.
7. I expect Him to understand me, but not necessarily say yes to all my demands. My prayers may come from wrong motives, but I need Him to hear my heart.
8. I expect that He would meet my emotional needs on His own accord, because He promised He will meet all my needs. I expect that if I don’t get it the way I want to get it, He will show me His ways, because His ways are better.
9. I expect that He would teach me how to relate to others, because I can become socially awkward, and I need Him to lead me how to love others. After all, it’s His expertise.
10. I expect that when I have wrong expectations, He would set me straight. He knows how demanding I can be, but He is still my Leader and my Boss, so I expect that He tells me when my demands are not good for me, and for us.

Of Myself
Good/Fair Expectations

1. I expect myself to desire personal improvement, because stagnating is just not an option.
2. I expect myself to do stupid things and lean on my own understanding because I do not always have the right tools, or the right heart.
3. However, I also expect that I will run to the Lord because I do not know any other way to live that will guarantee me peace.

Bad/Unfair Expectations

1. I expect that I can change quickly, but it is wrong, because I do not really dictate the timing of my transformation.
2. I expect that my emotions can quickly comply to the word of God, but it is wrong, because I am a woman, and I am emotional. I am not a machine to force myself into submission.
3. I expect that I will be able to discern what is good and bad from all information that enters my brain, but somehow, it is not possible, because most bad things start from good intention.
4. I expect that I become humble, but I may never get to a point of real humility because I have a body made of flesh. I may be humbled for a while, but my body will find reasons to be proud again. I want to be humble because this is the only way for me to view myself properly – as how God views me.
5. I expect that I will be able to protect myself from hurt, because it’s painful. But I will never know love if I do not know pain.

Of others
Good/Fair Expectations

1. I expect them to surprise me, because people are just wonderfully unique, and have value to contribute to the table, no matter what their background is. I expect that I will be fascinated by how they think, they feel, they process things.
2. I expect that I will find what is beautiful about them, because they are made in the image and likeness of God.
3. I expect that there is a possibility that they could hurt me, because we have different values.
4. I expect the possibility that I could love them deeply, because they are made in the image and likeness of God.
5. I expect that they would tire me out and would drain me in some occasions, because they have emotional needs that would require that I get emptied.
6. I expect that they will exercise their right not communicate their expectations, and would leave me hurt to a degree, because keeping silent is their right.
7. I expect that the closer I get with them, I give them the right to hurt me.
8. I expect that it is the Lord who holds my relationship with them, because I cannot control them, even if I wish I could.
9. I expect that I would find someone who would be ok with me for who I am, and to have an honest relationship with him/her/them, because I am a human being that needs fellowship. However, it is the Lord who will provide for me, and I must not force them into giving me what I need. I must also consider what they need, and see if I could give them what they need, whether or not they will do the same for me.

Bad/Unfair Expectations

1. I expect them to either love me or hate me, nothing in between. I want to make a little dent in the lives of people that I encounter, but this may not always be possible. And this may come from wrong motives, like exalting myself.
2. I expect that they won’t mind if I decide to walk away from them. I was told that it is my divine right to choose my friends, and I expect them to be able to deal with it if we do fall away. But this may never be true for all friendships. So this is may not be an expectation, but what I really hope for. 
3. I expect that somehow, they would find the Messiah, because I have Someone that I want to live the rest of eternity with, and He is awesome. I want them to know Him because I want them to experience His love.   Because I want it so much for them, it makes them feel that I cannot accept them for who they are.

 So what about you? What are your expectations?

Art by Alexander Milov

Rested and Grateful (Day 14)

A wise woman once shared that it is good for us to set up memorial stones for the milestones of our lives.  Just as Joshua Ben Nun did in the Old Testament (Tanakh) in every major victory that he conquered with the Israelites.

So today, I am setting a memorial stone to remember the events that happened last week, the first week of September.  It was a very refreshing week, considering that it was preceded by weeks of confusion and disappointment.

Things that I am grateful for:

1. Seeing things that were planned to come into fruition - especially at work
2. Knowing that in my hidden sorrows, God hears me and answers me differently than I expected.  And it always turns out way better than I imagined.
3. Having the most beautiful friendships that I could ever ask for - where we share sleepless nights, memories, loads of laughter, stories and perceptions, our personal relationship with the Lord... and lots of food and blessings.
4. Receiving God's provision and answered prayers in the most unexpected way where I can experience God's love to the fullest - until where my heart is capable of accepting, and even more.
5. Hearing from family far away, yet, I feel their heart, their breath, their emotions as if they are right in front of me.

These things made me realize that the most important thing in life is relationships.  As a woman who values excellence in everything, I learned that I must strive excellence first in relationships more than anything.  To get to that point, I must learn His ways of doing this - not the ways that I know that pleases my flesh.

My love tank is overflowing today.  Praise the Lord.

Top-left: view of Netanya with my thermos from a wonderful friend with a very beautiful heart.  Top-right: Sept 6 morning, I woke up for the third time seeing rainbows.  No pictures taken from the other 2 days.  Bottom: Breathtaking view from the 10/F balcony.

(333 words)

Setting Boundaries

For the past few months, my key lesson has been setting proper boundaries.  One of the things that I've noticed is that, as a Filipino, I have difficulty setting boundaries as we are, by nature, a Yes-Man. Not setting proper boundaries will result to toxic and codependent relationships, poor work-life balance, fatigue, emotional stress, and spiritual roller coaster.  There could be more ugly side effects on the lack of setting boundaries.  But I will not be discussing them.  However, I would like to share my top 5 lessons so far.

1. You don't have to please everyone.  Not everyone will be happy with you, so if they are not happy with you, it's OK. (For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10)
2. You don't have to be loved by everyone.  Make it a goal that you are at peace with yourself in your relationships with others.  Keep your eyes on your goal - for a Christian, it's to live in peace with everyone AND to be holy.  (Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14)
3. Trust is a precious gift.  Don't give it away as if it's not worth anything.  It is earned, and it must not given completely in the first meeting.  However, there is such a thing as a healthy level of trust that can be given to someone that has not earned it yet.  For example, your team, your boss, your friends, your family.  You have to trust them to some degree that you are not completely shattered when they don't do their part.  There is only One Person worthy of all your trust, and it is the Lord. (It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8)
4. You are not responsible for another person's feelings.  However, it is your responsibility to act wisely.  People feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed, <name a negative emotion> because they have expectations -- of the situation and of you.  Ask for discernment to know what those expectations are, and know if they are agreed, communicated, reasonable.  There is huge chance that 90% of the expectations are unreasonable, and be ready to firmly say NO when they demand.  For example, a person who expects that all machines will work flawlessly is out of his/her mind.  Machines, like human beings, have their "moods", and they may not work.  What needs to be focused on is how to get it fixed and working, not the state of it not working.  Similar principles apply to relationships.  Expecting relationships to be perfect is like expecting for rapture to happen now -- that everything will be heavenly perfect and there will be no more tears.  It will never be perfect as long as we live, and it is important to know what needs to be fixed, who are involved, and to make a decision if something even needs to be fixed at all. (Where do wars and fights among you come from? Do they not come from your lusts that war in your body? You lust and do not have, so you kill. You desire to have and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have, because you do not ask. You ask, and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3)
5. Focus on whatever is true, honorable and right.  There is no need to try to manage or change the other person's emotion.  Have the decency to give them the right to feel what they feel, and own it.  You don't, so don't try to change it.  Truth, however, can be discussed, and will never change even if emotions keep swaying in different directions. (Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8)