Appointed Time: Shabbat

Last weekend was a vacation to remember.

Vacation, what does it really mean for me? My last recollection of a real vacation was the first week of July 2014, when I spent my birthday with my family in Davao. Since then, I was so focused on my move to Israel, getting myself acclimated in a new country and a new job, meeting new people, touring friends, and not "overspending" (or should I say, cheapskate-ing?) that I have forgotten what it means to get away from the world AND just be still before the Lord.

So last weekend was that time. As usual, I have a list -- this time, it's my thankful list.

1. I did not feel hurried. I hate being hurried. I feel like anything that is immensely urgent is not from the Lord, because God never hurries me. He takes His time, and He enjoys time, especially with me. It was good because my vacation buddy wanted it the same way as I do -- chill, relaxed, slow-paced. We went on a vacation with nothing planned, except hiring a car and reserving a beautiful cabin at the Mt. Hermon area (Neve Ativ). We didn't have a schedule, and we played by ear. Since there was no agenda and planning, there was no expectation as well. The absence of expectations made it virtually impossible to be disappointed.
2. The life of luxury. I used to enjoy life in luxury. I would reserve the best hotels that I could afford, with the perfect location and a great view, dine at Michelin-star restaurants, find some urban adventures and just enjoy life. 11 months ago, I made an oath to myself to turn away from the life of extravagance, like a vow of poverty of some sort. I succeeded to a certain degree -- until I asked the Lord if I could be spoiled for the month of July while Erin and Guj were here. Somehow, I knew that the Lord was supportive of the idea, which I really appreciated. Each time I would submit my plans to Him regarding my expenses, He gives me confirmation that He is supportive on the matter. In this vacation, I could see very clearly His hand upon the situation -- He changed my heart into a joyful one days before the vacation started, He gave a lot of confirmation in the process, and during the vacation until the very last minute, my heart was just full of Him. On the physical luxury part, the cabin was really fabulous, the staff of the hotel was amazing, the car that we rented was great (which I really enjoyed driving), the places where we ate and went to are just heavenly. That was my life that I thought have died along with my resignation letter. But with the mercy and favor of the Lord, He allowed me to taste that life once again, this time with a new set of eyes and taste buds. I expected the Lord to create a longing in my heart that I would ask Him to restore that life once more -- but I didn't. Instead, I told the Lord, "thank You for that glimpse and the favor. I have not regretted my decision about giving my everything to You. This is the life that I chose, and this is my life with You. You are my Luxury. Not material things."
3. Spending it with a good friend. I learned that I could have and I can be a "for better" friend. I have always labeled myself as a "for worse" friend. It's possible to just laugh about silly things, or be quiet and ignore each other and it's ok, just watch a movie without any intellectual discussion during or after the movie. It's ok not to know everything about each other, it's ok not to talk about your burdens all the time, it's ok to be different from one another, it's ok not to be serious. I missed that. I felt like it's been ages since I had a "for better" friend, or when I was a "for better" friend. I have come to realize that being a "for better" friend allows one to be a separate individual, because in reality, no one can really share our joys. Being a "for worse" friend is a time of unity, that friends share each other sorrow, and be comforted with the same comfort that they have received from the Lord. Friendship comes from balance between the two -- "for better" and "for worse". And I hope I understand this lesson very well, because I would like to have the next one -- "till death do us part". I would like to have real friendships that last longer than a season -- who can both be "for better" and "for worse" at the same time.
4. Lots of time to pray. It was so interesting that the Parshat Torah for the weekend was Deut 3-7. How timely it was that the places that we went to were mentioned in the chapters, i.e. Hermon, Golan, Gilead, the land across Jordan, the Kinnereth, etc. It was like the Lord knew the timing, and He intended for us to read the Parsha in that specific location. But the Lord did not stop there. He put a beautiful verse in my heart last Sunday morning when I woke up -- about Elijah finding God in the still small voice. Prior to that, the Lord showed us several rainbows, a few good clouds in the sky, and at some point, when I was alone eating my chocolates, there was a strong breeze while I was having my prayer time. But my heart was not moved. Only when I woke up with that still small voice early in the morning that tears fell from my eyes after reading the rest of the chapter: 1 Ki 19:13 - the Lord asked Elijah an important question: "Why are you here, Elijah?"  That was a critical question that hit home for me. The Lord started to search my heart, my anxious thoughts, and I knew where He was leading to. I read further and got to verse 15 -- the road through the wilderness of Damascus. I giggled a little bit reading it, as I was close to the border between Syria and Israel. So I decided to take a walk along the mountains of Hermon. I poured out my heart to the Lord, at the same time, hearing from His heart about the Middle East situation. It was a good time to cry and pray and listen to the Lord. After that, I knew my time there was worth it. It was ordained that I must be at that place and that time. 

So now I learned an important lesson -- in EVERYTHING, trust in the Lord. Cease striving. Just walk with Him. And I am happy that everyday is another day to learn more about His heart, about His plans, and I can speak to Him and hear Him with greater precision. Though I may stumble and fall, He will pick me up and get me back on track.

P.S. I am starting to plan my 2016 vacation.  Yay!  I love vacations!

Savior Complex

I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed.  I don't remember exactly which side, but definitely, it was not a very restful night.  I wanted to make sense about what I felt.  Surely, every negative emotion has a reason.  Being a woman who has mastered the art of positivity, I never questioned when I am positive.  I expect myself to be positive.  However, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I obsess about it, hoping that it has to go away ASAP!

Today I came in to work late.  Again.  I had to deal with a lot of my thoughts, and hoping I could find some pattern.  All I know is that my soul is hurting, and I wanted relief.  The reason for its hurt, I do not know.  I wanted to figure out but I am too lazy to sit and seek and wait on the Lord.  I wanted immediate answers.

What woke me up was a cup of coffee.  Not because it's a good cup of coffee with the best tasting beans, but my cup of coffee spilled on me.  I had 3 people helping me clean after my mess because it was a lot.  I used to spill a lot of things in the past.  Mostly, when I am nervous.  And since I'm so used to it, I already know how to respond when that happens -- "Don't over react, grab tissue, clean, pretend as if nothing happened, continue with your life."  Somehow, when I was on my way to my office, I knew something was wrong with me.

So finally I came to terms with myself and sat, sit and sought the Lord for answers.  I was telling the Lord, "Lord, I am tired.  I'm exhausted.  I am tired of feeling tired and I desperately need to learn this quickly.  How do I really rest on You?  It's driving me nuts!  Ok, Your Word tells me that it's unbelief, that's why I am not entering Your rest.  And I do not trust You enough.  But it doesn't tell me how to get out of it.  And I'm tired of struggling."  Imagine me saying this with chutzpah.

The Lord put a verse in my heart, about taking thoughts captive and making it obedient to the Messiah.  I randomly searched the verse on Google and found a link to Utmost.org with this devotional.  What struck me the most is the Moffatt translation of this verse: " “…I take every project prisoner to make it obey Christ….”  I paused a bit, reading thru the rest of the devotional, and the word project was a bit too glaring.  The Lord started to speak in my heart, "Thea, it's your savior complex -  making everything and everyone your project - that's keeping you in disbelief."  I started debating with the Lord, "no, I don't think so, really?"  I decided anyway to find out what the savior complex means, and read a very interesting article: Why My Savior Complex Had to Die.

I was surprised (yes, very much) to see how the writer's thoughts resembled mine.  She came to Kolkata, India thinking that she will make a difference.  She saw that Kolkata is a God-sized job to complete.  Her desire to be a hero was exposed and crushed.  Her smile and positive attitude alone would not feed the hungry, free women from oppression or liberate captives from spiritual darkness with. And like me, she also came to a conclusion that only Jesus the Savior could meet such overwhelming need and make a difference! And that she was simply here to serve Him.  Her Kolkata is my Jerusalem.

I am starting to understand why my lesson is so repetitive.  I have asked the Lord if I am learning properly, because the same lessons seem to go back over and over again.  And I am tired of being a repeater.  So like this woman, I would like to pray for exactly the same thing -- that I want to praise the Lord all my life as the only WORTHY Savior - Yeshua Mashiach, that He may change my motives from a desire for admiration to a desire to humbly serve Him.  And that He may change my savior complex to a servant’s mindset.  Because, like her, I also long to follow His example in serving His people.