Charity

There are 3 things that I want to learn from the Lord in this season, which I hope I will carry with me for the rest of my life: compassion, patience and humility.  This doesn't come without a cost --  heartbreak, disappointment, sacrifice -- and yet, I am far away from my expected outcome.  The more that I ask the Lord for these 3 things, the more I realize how selfish, impatient and proud I am.  How I desire for the applause of man, and for me to appear holy.  I can see clearly my heart's tendency to be wicked.  More and more each day, I understand how important it is to receive God's mercy and loving kindness.  I am convinced that there is nothing good in me, apart from the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Yet, despite that knowledge, it is not condemnation that I feel, but something that tells me, there's more to this, and I can choose to walk the path that would lead me there.

There's a teaching in the book of Matthew (Matt 6:1-4) about charity.  While I was thinking and praying about it, if I really want to learn the 3 things that I mentioned above, I must understand what this means not just in my head, but with my hands and my heart:

“Be sure that you not do your charitable deeds before men to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.   “Therefore, when you do your charitable deeds, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do your charitable deeds, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deeds may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly. (Matt 6:1-4)

It's strange that I am posting this on my blog -- it's a bit hypocritical for me to post this, wanting to do good things without being seen by man, and yet, I am writing it here.  However, I am writing it here for me to be accountable to what I am about to learn, should I be successful in executing the commandment above.  I wonder how this will change my life, the way I behave, the way I will view things, the way I will see what genuine service is all about.  To be honest, I'm scared to do this.  I know my heart's tendency to be lonely when I don't get any applause, or affirmation for that matter.  I am also scared that by going this path, will I be misunderstood, or lose my confidence, or even lose myself?  Today, I learned that at some point, Abraham's hardest decision to cut off from is to cut off from himself.  Somehow, there's a part of me that feels excited about the idea of cutting myself off from myself.  But what does it mean for me?  So a new adventure begins, may the Lord sustain me as I confront my weak and deceitful heart.