Truth That Seeks Freedom

John 8:32 - You will know the truth and the truth will set you free

This verse had been one of the most mind-boggling verses that I’ve ever encountered. I remember the day that I gave this much thought. What is the truth that the Lord referring to? What is truth? What is that truth that sets us free? I didn’t want anyone else’s answer. I wanted the Lord to answer me Himself. While pondering upon this verse, many explanations came to my head — most of which are explanations given by ministers in the Church. If truth is something that I can “know”, then it must be truth for me, too, that I would agree with it with all that I am. Therefore, it cannot be just anyone’s explanation to me, that I would just agree with without even testing it.

I’ve held on to many explanations of what this truth is — like the Gospel truth, the truth of Yeshua’s sacrifice, the truth of God’s promises, the truth about my identity, the truth about the future to come as it is written in the Bible. However, the more that I ask about the truths related to those topics, I learned that there is infinitely more that I can learn about them. I learned that I know so little. I learned that the Lord, His work, His sacrifice, His plans are too great to comprehend. I will never be able to grasp it completely. I can be in constant awe and surprise to new revelations related to them, and I would appreciate Him more and more because He makes Himself known to me in much greater way than I ever did. I don’t have any regrets about believing that these are the truths that will set me free because they are worth pursuing — mainly because it led me to knowing the ultimate source of truth Who is God Himself.

In the process of seeking truth, I learned that God is Holy and I am not. I learned how different I am from Him, and there is absolutely no one in the entire universe who can be equal or greater than Him. I discovered that the Bible stories that caused me to question His character are the very stories that made me understand His heart and His patience towards us. I understood that despite the many violent stories in the Bible, what every book communicates is faith, hope and love. And I lack all 3 of them. I thought I was an expert at them, but I realized I know too little about what these 3 are about.

I also learned many things about myself, and I would like to share them to you. I will try to write them as truthful as possible. After all, if it’s the truth, then it should lead me to freedom. These are the truths that I have not denied, and I cried many tears when I finally admitted that these are true:

• I learned that I am proud, that I have a puffed up version of who I am. I thought I was cool, awesome, and worth emulating. But reality is — my version of who I think I am is someone who thinks she is idol-worthy. Did the Lord save me so I can be an idol?
• I learned that I expect others to be consistent, but I am inconsistent myself. I say things that I will do but I don’t. I believe I am this and that, but it’s not always true. How can I expect others to be consistent when I am not consistent myself?
• I learned that I never had control. I deceived myself that I was in control, or I have control to a certain degree, but really, did my plans ever come about as I have planned it? It always turned out way better, but the credit does not and will never belong to me.
• I learned that I am afraid of change. I prided myself as a change-ready person because of a few events that happened in my life that proved to be successful changes. I even have results to back it up. But were they my results? Or was it because the Lord prepared me a year ahead, and taught me one truth — that if I learn how to number my days, I will gain a heart of wisdom? And He prepared me a year earlier because He knows how stubborn and cowardly I can be
• Finally, I learned that I am self-deceived. This is probably the most painful truth that I have accepted. Until all of my false self image disappears, I will be self-deceived to a certain level. Until I keep holding on to who I think I am, I will always have a barrier to knowing how God sees me.

Why are these truths important to acknowledge? It’s human nature to act based on one’s beliefs. For example, if one thinks that a fetus is not yet a baby, then one is ok with abortion. If one thinks that she is ugly, then she acts the part of an unattractive woman, actings based on her insecurities. If a woman thinks that a certain man likes her, she acts based on how she thinks her relationship to him would be. Hence, beliefs about who we are and who others are must be grounded on truth so that our actions are more consistent, and our hearts are not deceived. These will prevent us from unnecessary hurt caused by wrong assumptions and expectations. Only when we rid ourselves of prejudice, assumptions and expectations can we truly accept another person for who they are — for their flaws and imperfections. But if we do not know how to do that to ourselves, whose minds that we can read, how can we do it for others whose minds we cannot read? If we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest to others?

Some people may find it hard to accept the things that I have written. But for those who can resonate with this, especially those who have a hard time renewing their minds with the Word of God, I know what bothers you. I know you don’t believe what is written, and you want to convince yourself that the Word of God is true for you. I know that you want to brainwash yourself because it’s easier. But take heart, you can come to the Lord and tell Him, Abba, Father, You said in Your word that I am this and that, but I don’t believe it. Please take away my unbelief and show me how You see me. Because what I (or others) think of me is not important, but who You think of me is what matters.

Home Away From Home

It's almost 10 months since I left the Philippines.  I've been asked a few times if I miss home.  For some reason, I could not find the right answer to this question -- do I miss home?

I came to a conclusion that my definition of home has changed.  At some point, I would say it's family.  Or my HP team (where I used to work), where everyone is happy and motivated.  Or CCF Eastwood, my home church.  I also thought it was Jerusalem -- coz eventually, this will become my eternal home: the new Jerusalem, plus it is already where I live now.  So what happened?

My first 5 months in Jerusalem had been very difficult.  I missed my country, the people, the conveniences of a life in excessive abundance, the support system.  It was a period of serious adjustment. I realized that the Philippines was very comfortable -- I knew the culture and the language, the way around practically everything, and I had everything that I wanted and needed.  Being in a new country where I was stripped of what I had (especially the things mentioned above) was a major struggle. I was able to prove with my own life the most important principle of change management --- to keep some things unchanged so that the one receiving the change would not drown.  So yeah, I almost drowned, but found help by the grace of God.

I visited the Philippines last January and met up with some friends and family.  There is one startling thing that got me depressed: that I was a completely different person.  The life that I had was no longer there.  I didn't have the same space that I used to have.  Even if it's still there, I would not be the best person for it.  The things that I went through and was going through during that time were not something people understood, no matter how hard I tried.  I believed I was a gifted communicator.  But at that point, my words failed me.

One evening, I cried the most tears I've ever cried in 2015, when I felt like I mourned my death.  It was a turning point of my life that I finally told the Lord -- "Lord, I give up.  The life that I had is no longer mine.  It is now a memory.  It's not a place that I could go back to, and the only option that is available for me is to have a full and beautiful life in this season that I am in."  After making that decision, words started to fill my heart.  The next people that I met understood what I was trying to say.  I realized that they didn't need to know about my struggles.  All they needed to hear are what I learned, using the same language and cultural context that I grew up with.

Last week, I had an amazing time with my Hebrew teacher.  She shared something very beautiful that really touched my heart -- that me going back to the Philippines is like I'm coming from war.  My experiences created a distinct separation between me and the people from my country, that no matter how hard I try, and how hard they try, it's virtually impossible to communicate what demands to be spoken.  However, the one who does it successfully, the one with the ability to bridge the gap, has the power to make a difference, and influence the recipient of the message to see things in a new light.

I just loved the way she said it.  Indeed, I really came from (and still am in) war -- a different kind of war -- a spiritual one, that looks way different with the one that I had.  The effects of that war also required me to think differently, and to prioritize similar things in a more radical way, that is suitable to my current environment.   My mind was transformed from the mind of a mentoring leader who desires to make a difference, to a mind of a strategic soldier that requires utmost obedience to her Leader.

Given all these new context that I am seeing, I do not know if the Philippines will become my home again.  Also, I cannot officially say that I have fully adjusted in Israel.  However, the most profound thing that I have learned about having a home away from home, is that this beautiful Scripture is officially true for me:

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.  They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.  As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.  (John 17:15-19)

I can stand in confidence that despite the changes in my environment, the Lord will protect me from the evil one.  I can be sanctified by the truth.  That I have a home that is not of this world, and I can hope that it will come, a home that may be in a near or distant future, but it's definitely there. My countrymen may think and feel sorry for me because it doesn't sound like a nice and beautiful life.  But in my heart, I just have a new definition of home -- where there is shalom and quiet confidence that God is moving and present.  Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  There is love.  And every separation is an opportunity to bridge the gap -- not for the purpose of vain contribution to society, but for love in its purest form.  

So yeah, I don't miss home because I am home.  But I am longing to show my family and friends in my country that I love them beyond measure.