Truth That Seeks Freedom

John 8:32 - You will know the truth and the truth will set you free

This verse had been one of the most mind-boggling verses that I’ve ever encountered. I remember the day that I gave this much thought. What is the truth that the Lord referring to? What is truth? What is that truth that sets us free? I didn’t want anyone else’s answer. I wanted the Lord to answer me Himself. While pondering upon this verse, many explanations came to my head — most of which are explanations given by ministers in the Church. If truth is something that I can “know”, then it must be truth for me, too, that I would agree with it with all that I am. Therefore, it cannot be just anyone’s explanation to me, that I would just agree with without even testing it.

I’ve held on to many explanations of what this truth is — like the Gospel truth, the truth of Yeshua’s sacrifice, the truth of God’s promises, the truth about my identity, the truth about the future to come as it is written in the Bible. However, the more that I ask about the truths related to those topics, I learned that there is infinitely more that I can learn about them. I learned that I know so little. I learned that the Lord, His work, His sacrifice, His plans are too great to comprehend. I will never be able to grasp it completely. I can be in constant awe and surprise to new revelations related to them, and I would appreciate Him more and more because He makes Himself known to me in much greater way than I ever did. I don’t have any regrets about believing that these are the truths that will set me free because they are worth pursuing — mainly because it led me to knowing the ultimate source of truth Who is God Himself.

In the process of seeking truth, I learned that God is Holy and I am not. I learned how different I am from Him, and there is absolutely no one in the entire universe who can be equal or greater than Him. I discovered that the Bible stories that caused me to question His character are the very stories that made me understand His heart and His patience towards us. I understood that despite the many violent stories in the Bible, what every book communicates is faith, hope and love. And I lack all 3 of them. I thought I was an expert at them, but I realized I know too little about what these 3 are about.

I also learned many things about myself, and I would like to share them to you. I will try to write them as truthful as possible. After all, if it’s the truth, then it should lead me to freedom. These are the truths that I have not denied, and I cried many tears when I finally admitted that these are true:

• I learned that I am proud, that I have a puffed up version of who I am. I thought I was cool, awesome, and worth emulating. But reality is — my version of who I think I am is someone who thinks she is idol-worthy. Did the Lord save me so I can be an idol?
• I learned that I expect others to be consistent, but I am inconsistent myself. I say things that I will do but I don’t. I believe I am this and that, but it’s not always true. How can I expect others to be consistent when I am not consistent myself?
• I learned that I never had control. I deceived myself that I was in control, or I have control to a certain degree, but really, did my plans ever come about as I have planned it? It always turned out way better, but the credit does not and will never belong to me.
• I learned that I am afraid of change. I prided myself as a change-ready person because of a few events that happened in my life that proved to be successful changes. I even have results to back it up. But were they my results? Or was it because the Lord prepared me a year ahead, and taught me one truth — that if I learn how to number my days, I will gain a heart of wisdom? And He prepared me a year earlier because He knows how stubborn and cowardly I can be
• Finally, I learned that I am self-deceived. This is probably the most painful truth that I have accepted. Until all of my false self image disappears, I will be self-deceived to a certain level. Until I keep holding on to who I think I am, I will always have a barrier to knowing how God sees me.

Why are these truths important to acknowledge? It’s human nature to act based on one’s beliefs. For example, if one thinks that a fetus is not yet a baby, then one is ok with abortion. If one thinks that she is ugly, then she acts the part of an unattractive woman, actings based on her insecurities. If a woman thinks that a certain man likes her, she acts based on how she thinks her relationship to him would be. Hence, beliefs about who we are and who others are must be grounded on truth so that our actions are more consistent, and our hearts are not deceived. These will prevent us from unnecessary hurt caused by wrong assumptions and expectations. Only when we rid ourselves of prejudice, assumptions and expectations can we truly accept another person for who they are — for their flaws and imperfections. But if we do not know how to do that to ourselves, whose minds that we can read, how can we do it for others whose minds we cannot read? If we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest to others?

Some people may find it hard to accept the things that I have written. But for those who can resonate with this, especially those who have a hard time renewing their minds with the Word of God, I know what bothers you. I know you don’t believe what is written, and you want to convince yourself that the Word of God is true for you. I know that you want to brainwash yourself because it’s easier. But take heart, you can come to the Lord and tell Him, Abba, Father, You said in Your word that I am this and that, but I don’t believe it. Please take away my unbelief and show me how You see me. Because what I (or others) think of me is not important, but who You think of me is what matters.

Thankful on Shabbat

Isaiah 61:1-3 - The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor; He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to preserve those who mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

The past couple of weeks have been incredible. I had a difficult 2015, and yet, the Lord is making sure that this will be a year to remember. My year was marked with many tears, but the Lord allowed me to see that He is a big God, a God who operates in the miraculous, a God who heals and binds the brokenhearted, a God Who sets the captives free, a God who is with me at all times - He is Immanuel.  This was also the year that had the most laughter, and really really good memories. He is my Peace and Source of Joy.

I wanted to write a very long thank You list to the Lord for all the good things that happened in 2015. However, I don’t think a blog entry will do any justice on His faithfulness, mercy, provision and lovingkindness towards me. So I’ll just write about what happened in the past few days.

Before leaving for the Philippines, the Lord showered me with wonderful memories in Jerusalem. I realized that I have built really good friendships that are as close as family. One thing that was sure - I am abundant in love. There is nothing good that the Lord withheld from me. I realized it further when 2 of my good friends came to visit Israel. I was led to share many things that the Lord has done. On a normal day, I would not remember them. However, the mere recollection to share the stories to my closest friends has made me remember how far I have walked with the Lord, and how much good memories we have created together along the way. He has been my constant Companion, my Favorite Companion, and He knows me completely. My second greatest reward is to have relationships where I can be completely honest and real to them, even if we come from different cultural backgrounds or age group. We just know, and we understand each other, with or without words. I have great assurance that they care about me, I care about them, and we pray for each other.

Now that I am back to my roots, I am thankful to the Lord for many things — for giving me a chance to meet up with an old friend, and see that we can pick up from where we left off, or even way better than where we left off. We grew up, we changed, but it was definitely for the better. I am thankful that I have a best friend who takes care of me as if I am not just her friend, but I am family. It’s a huge bonus that she loves the Lord with all of her heart, her life is truly a testament that God is with her. I am thankful for allowing me to have time with family — to see how faithful He is to them even if I am not here with them most of the time, especially with how He took care of my siblings and my parents. I am thankful that my sister had to drive for more than 2 hours so that we can see each other for 5 minutes. I am thankful that I could hear my dad pray, and to know that his leadership means a lot to me. I am thankful that my wake up call is my mom, who just wanted a hug and to catch up, and to find out that I grew up to be like her and I am proud of it. I am thankful that my brother has grown up to be a fine young man who values excellence and relationships, and he didn’t resist me hugging him haha! I am thankful that the Lord has moved mightily in my family, especially my aunt who is undergoing chemotherapy. I was told that she is the first case to survive the first cycle when her platelet count was just 1. Now she’s on her 3rd cycle. And in a few weeks, I will have a nephew! Truly, He is a promise-keeping God Who will never leave us or forsake us.

It helps that I also got upgraded twice to premium economy. And my best friend kept pampering me. And I have a big bed all for myself. Yes, I am well loved.

This is truly a season to celebrate, and the reason for this season is because the Lord is good. Praise Yeshua for coming into this world to save us, for staying with us, for being our Light, and for directing our paths.


P.S. I am no longer allowed to complain about the internet and the traffic.

Letter to the Brokenhearted for this Season

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Dear Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry for writing to you too late.  I should have written to you a year ago, or maybe 2.  But the Lord was busy fixing my broken heart, too.  I know you don't like this season, especially the month of December.  People get married or get engaged.  And it sucks that your season is marked with tears and sorrow.  Sometimes, you just wish this season would be over quickly.  Or wish that your feelings would just leave instantly.  I felt the same way, too.  I tried many methods - from self-deception to standing in truth with the Word of God.  There were days that my methods worked.  There were days that were just unbearable.  I would spend a lot of time questioning if I did the right thing.  Sometimes, I would just do a lot of stupid things, and regret them later.

Beloved, healing takes time.  Don't give up in pushing forward to find complete restoration.  Don't hide from it.  Don't let shame eat you up.  Remember that everyday, you operate on doing your best based on what you know at this point in time.  You do not need to feel bad about not knowing everything today.  No one expects you to be perfect.  And you also cannot expect yourself to be consistent.  We, human beings are like that - imperfect and inconsistent, especially when we are hurt.

My Beloved, there is no perfect formula to get you out of this.  But know that Someone understands your pain and your sorrow.  I know that because He was with me in my brokenness, and He is still with me.  Don't run away from Him.  He is not your enemy, but He's your Healer.  His medicine stings sometimes, but you are safe in His hands, and you can trust Him.  Besides, you can never hide from Him.  You will always have Company.

I wish I could tell you it would be over soon, but I can't.  However, you can take it one day at a time.  You can have new mercies everyday, and your day can end with gratitude in your heart.  It's not impossible.

One day, you'll look back and smile.  Or even laugh at yourself.  You might even be like me, seeing my life as if it was someone else's story.  But keep the stories in your heart.  They are beautiful stories.  It's the stories that give our lives color, and our hearts hope.

Meanwhile, keep yourself in prayer.  The Bible tells us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Take this time to be alone with Him.  This time is precious, as You will be with the perfect Companion - the One Whom you can be completely honest with, Who can read your mind and knows everything about you, Who forgives you and loves you unconditionally, Who is patient with you, and Who can be funny at times, too.  You'll miss this closeness with Him when you are no longer hurting.

With love from someone who also understands you.

Quest for Intimacy

Prov 19:22 - What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.

For the past few months, I have been on a mission – I wanted the Lord to redefine what intimacy means for me. I realized that it’s easy to build horizontal relationships. But the vertical ones are hard to find, or even more difficult, take root.

I woke up one day with an epiphany that my greatest fear is intimacy. I fear intimacy because of the many unknowns that it will bring: Whom I should be intimate with?  How will they make me feel?  How will they impact me?  How will they change me?  Would they drag me down or lift me up?  How would I respond?  How will they respond?  Will they see me for who I am and will they be ok with it?  Will it just happen or do I need to be intentional?  Until when can I say that I should stop being intentional, dust my feet off and move forward?  Until where can I set the boundaries such that my dignity is preserved?  Will they make me better or worse?  Will the benefit outweigh the cost?  Will intimacy shatter my fantasy of who I think I am?  More and more each day, I am convinced that it is not just my greatest fear, but it is also my greatest need.

My questions above have been my guide to know who are safe to be with. I know that I will always misunderstand people, and it will take time and effort to know who they are. I know that people will misunderstand me as well, but it’s ok. At the end of the day, I must aim to know whom I can be safe with and who are not. The ones who are left are a real keeper.

The nicest thing about intimacy is that it comes in many forms. It’s not really as scary as I thought it was. In fact, it’s actually fun sharing our thoughts, feelings, sorrows, joys, failures, successes, fears, hopes, dreams, laughter and tears. However, it has a starting point – a mutual agreement, whether spoken or unspoken, that it is a relationship that is worth keeping, and a commitment that it’s ok to be vulnerable.

On Reality

Prov 14:10 - Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. 

I find it fascinating that we spend a lot of time in our thoughts -- thinking about how things should be, or plan what we need to do or say, or fantasize about how our future should be. Yet, most of our thoughts never come to pass. Why do we do this, and for what purpose?

I don't know about you, but I enjoy being in my thoughts. It's like my own universe, my own reality, where everything is in my control. Sometimes, I let the Lord in. Sometimes, it becomes prayer. But most of the time, it is a world where I am god. It's irrational, but it's my bad habit. Probably even an addiction.

There are times when I plan based on my thoughts, and some of them never materialize. I have developed a way to cope with it by telling myself this -- "My plans are based on my reality. And praise God, my reality is not someone else's reality, otherwise, that would really suck. Coz I'm such a foolish planner! If it materialized as I planned, that would be a bit shameful."

Why do we obsess about our reality and hope that it becomes real? Could it be that we want to be god, and control everything? Could it be that we want others to be involved in our reality? Truth is, our realities hardly intersect, unless we come to some form of agreement and communication that we have a shared reality.

Every time I have this thought it my head, I am reminded of the verse above: Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. No one can read our minds. No one can feel our feelings for us. We can try, but it will never be 100% accurate. Somehow, there is something inside of us that want and need to be understood. But it seems to be hard to find.

Today, I was reminded of one truth: there is Someone Who understands our bitterness and our joy. He is Someone that no matter where we turn, our reality will always be His reality. And it's because He is God is He knows all. This truth is always comforting to know, especially in moments that I wish I was heard or understood. But then again, maybe I was asking from the wrong people. I had the One Who does all along. Why did I have to search far?

Receiving Love

Galatians 6:9 - And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

One of the things that I noticed about human beings is their ability to GIVE LOVE EASILY. However, to receive love is a different story. It seems to harder to do.

Why is it difficult to receive love? I have listed down my personal principles of receiving love. Hopefully, as I grow older, my list gets better, and more grounded on wisdom and understanding.

1. Be wise to discern between love that expects something (or everything) from you vs. love that is freely given. The former has the intent to trap you, and will demand from you soon, if not, very soon. It will bring guilty feelings and will make you feel responsible. As if you owe them. The latter does not add any burden to you. If you encounter the former, don’t get too close.
2. To those who love freely, accept their love because it is a pleasure for them to give. Accept it so that they do not feel like they owe you. Make your friendship with them light, and a wonderful thing to keep.
3. To those whom you accept love from, give them the best of your love — TIME. Lots of it. Give them best quantity and quality time. Not half-baked, but pure and undefiled attention. Share with them memories, laughter, sorrows and victories.
4. Observe them, and watch their habits. Sincerely know them for who they are. They are a keeper.

I chose the verse above because I know what I will reap. Love. The real one.

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I Can Do All Things

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things because of Messiah who strengthens me. 

Hello. If you are reading this, I am guessing you are one of these people:

1. You are currently struggling, believing that what is before you is conquerable, and you are waiting patiently for your day of deliverance.
2. You are suffering from self-sufficiency, you know you can do all things, sometimes, taking all the credit. You know in your heart that all the credit does not belong to you, but you don’t know how to position yourself.
3. You are both 1 and 2, and you are probably feeling very tired and exhausted. And you desperately need some rest.

I do not have a word of encouragement for you that will make all of your struggles go away. However, I am offering you companionship, that whatever you are going through, you are not alone. I hope that your day of deliverance comes, and it comes quickly. I pray that you would overcome yourself, and know for sure that your strength is from Above. I pray that you will find rest for your soul, and you will have peace that transcends all understanding. I may not know who you are, but I am celebrating in advance with you for that day to come to you.

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