How to Turn a Hot Summer Weekend into a Fabulous One (Day 2)

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is an appointed time for everything 

1. Avoid working overtime before Shabbat. Take time to prepare for the appointed day of rest.
2. Laugh. Send silly messages to your friends and family. Out of ideas? Use Dubsmash. 
3. Read. Nothing beats a dose of light reading especially when it’s about the Lord. Better yet, read together with good friends. The Torah portion is perfect for Shabbat evenings.
4. Play music and dance. Celebrate with a friend or two. Snacks may come in handy.
5. SLEEP.
6. Head to a place with proper air conditioning. Watch a movie. Cry. Laugh. Reflect. Appreciate. 
7. Drive to a park and do a braai. Bring meat, vegetables and marshmallows.
8. Watch the stars. They’re amazing.
9. Do something new. Take the bus to the airport, and have coffee with a good friend.
10. Visit a friend nearby. Eat a huge portion of home-cooked meal.
11. Write about your lovely weekend.

(150 words)

150 Words (Day 1)

Genesis 1:1,3 - In the beginning… God said… 

I dreaded writing. I hated expressing myself though words. I was ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. I was afraid of judgment. I believed my ideas should just remain in my head. UNLESS. Unless people will like it. But I could hardly find the right words.

I didn’t do well as a writer in high school. I didn’t do well in the university either. My English was considered basic, not good enough for a regular Atenean.

Here I am, hoping I could get another shot at this. I desire to express myself through words. I want to start small. Baby steps, they say, a maximum of 150 words a day.

My hope is that one day, these will be true for me:

Words are my friend, not my enemy. Words have power to create, not destroy. Words bring life, not death. 

(149 words)
Inspired by Avitama Kumar through Reina Reyes

Appointed Time: Shabbat

Last weekend was a vacation to remember.

Vacation, what does it really mean for me? My last recollection of a real vacation was the first week of July 2014, when I spent my birthday with my family in Davao. Since then, I was so focused on my move to Israel, getting myself acclimated in a new country and a new job, meeting new people, touring friends, and not "overspending" (or should I say, cheapskate-ing?) that I have forgotten what it means to get away from the world AND just be still before the Lord.

So last weekend was that time. As usual, I have a list -- this time, it's my thankful list.

1. I did not feel hurried. I hate being hurried. I feel like anything that is immensely urgent is not from the Lord, because God never hurries me. He takes His time, and He enjoys time, especially with me. It was good because my vacation buddy wanted it the same way as I do -- chill, relaxed, slow-paced. We went on a vacation with nothing planned, except hiring a car and reserving a beautiful cabin at the Mt. Hermon area (Neve Ativ). We didn't have a schedule, and we played by ear. Since there was no agenda and planning, there was no expectation as well. The absence of expectations made it virtually impossible to be disappointed.
2. The life of luxury. I used to enjoy life in luxury. I would reserve the best hotels that I could afford, with the perfect location and a great view, dine at Michelin-star restaurants, find some urban adventures and just enjoy life. 11 months ago, I made an oath to myself to turn away from the life of extravagance, like a vow of poverty of some sort. I succeeded to a certain degree -- until I asked the Lord if I could be spoiled for the month of July while Erin and Guj were here. Somehow, I knew that the Lord was supportive of the idea, which I really appreciated. Each time I would submit my plans to Him regarding my expenses, He gives me confirmation that He is supportive on the matter. In this vacation, I could see very clearly His hand upon the situation -- He changed my heart into a joyful one days before the vacation started, He gave a lot of confirmation in the process, and during the vacation until the very last minute, my heart was just full of Him. On the physical luxury part, the cabin was really fabulous, the staff of the hotel was amazing, the car that we rented was great (which I really enjoyed driving), the places where we ate and went to are just heavenly. That was my life that I thought have died along with my resignation letter. But with the mercy and favor of the Lord, He allowed me to taste that life once again, this time with a new set of eyes and taste buds. I expected the Lord to create a longing in my heart that I would ask Him to restore that life once more -- but I didn't. Instead, I told the Lord, "thank You for that glimpse and the favor. I have not regretted my decision about giving my everything to You. This is the life that I chose, and this is my life with You. You are my Luxury. Not material things."
3. Spending it with a good friend. I learned that I could have and I can be a "for better" friend. I have always labeled myself as a "for worse" friend. It's possible to just laugh about silly things, or be quiet and ignore each other and it's ok, just watch a movie without any intellectual discussion during or after the movie. It's ok not to know everything about each other, it's ok not to talk about your burdens all the time, it's ok to be different from one another, it's ok not to be serious. I missed that. I felt like it's been ages since I had a "for better" friend, or when I was a "for better" friend. I have come to realize that being a "for better" friend allows one to be a separate individual, because in reality, no one can really share our joys. Being a "for worse" friend is a time of unity, that friends share each other sorrow, and be comforted with the same comfort that they have received from the Lord. Friendship comes from balance between the two -- "for better" and "for worse". And I hope I understand this lesson very well, because I would like to have the next one -- "till death do us part". I would like to have real friendships that last longer than a season -- who can both be "for better" and "for worse" at the same time.
4. Lots of time to pray. It was so interesting that the Parshat Torah for the weekend was Deut 3-7. How timely it was that the places that we went to were mentioned in the chapters, i.e. Hermon, Golan, Gilead, the land across Jordan, the Kinnereth, etc. It was like the Lord knew the timing, and He intended for us to read the Parsha in that specific location. But the Lord did not stop there. He put a beautiful verse in my heart last Sunday morning when I woke up -- about Elijah finding God in the still small voice. Prior to that, the Lord showed us several rainbows, a few good clouds in the sky, and at some point, when I was alone eating my chocolates, there was a strong breeze while I was having my prayer time. But my heart was not moved. Only when I woke up with that still small voice early in the morning that tears fell from my eyes after reading the rest of the chapter: 1 Ki 19:13 - the Lord asked Elijah an important question: "Why are you here, Elijah?"  That was a critical question that hit home for me. The Lord started to search my heart, my anxious thoughts, and I knew where He was leading to. I read further and got to verse 15 -- the road through the wilderness of Damascus. I giggled a little bit reading it, as I was close to the border between Syria and Israel. So I decided to take a walk along the mountains of Hermon. I poured out my heart to the Lord, at the same time, hearing from His heart about the Middle East situation. It was a good time to cry and pray and listen to the Lord. After that, I knew my time there was worth it. It was ordained that I must be at that place and that time. 

So now I learned an important lesson -- in EVERYTHING, trust in the Lord. Cease striving. Just walk with Him. And I am happy that everyday is another day to learn more about His heart, about His plans, and I can speak to Him and hear Him with greater precision. Though I may stumble and fall, He will pick me up and get me back on track.

P.S. I am starting to plan my 2016 vacation.  Yay!  I love vacations!

Tisha B'Av

This weekend was an incredibly peaceful time for me.  For the past few weeks, I've had plans outside Jerusalem -- either I had a friend in Jtown, or I had to go somewhere else.  For the first time in 6 weeks, I finally had my nice alone time with the Lord.

I was thinking, maybe I should fast.  I wanted to seek the Lord anyway regarding a certain matter.  Plus it's Tisha B'Av, I might as well join my Jewish neighbors in their commemoration.  For those who do not know what Tisha B'Av means, you can check this website: Tisha B'Av Basics.

So I boldly asked the Lord -- "what is Tisha B'Av for the Jewish people?  What is Tisha B'Av for me?"

Here are my key learnings:

1. The Lord has given me 4 rainbows in the span of 3 days.  Rainbows don't come often during summer because it doesn't rain, nor will you find any clouds.  However, I found rainbows in my room TWICE, some reflection created by random items close to my window -- either a water bottle, or a pink plastic heart that I use for decor.  They lasted for a few minutes until the direction of the sunlight would not be able to make a rainbow inside my room through them.  The 2 other rainbows are by the kitchen sink -- both while I was washing the dishes.  This reminded me of the covenant that the Lord gave the Jewish people -- from the time of Noah, to the time of Abraham, and even to the new covenant in Jeremiah 31, which also applies to me, a follower of Yeshua.  Despite all the tears that the Jewish people cried during Tisha B'Av, the Lord has not changed His mind about fulfilling His promises to them.  The rainbow is a symbol of hope for them.  And it has become a symbol of hope for me.
2. While I was reading the Torah, I have seen a lot of new things, i.e. the Lord was completely aware that Israel will not be able to obey the law.  This was prophesied by Moses in Deuteronomy.   If we really think about it, if Adam and Eve, who lived in paradise, and everything was perfect, were still prone to sin, what about the Israelites, or even us, who live in a fallen world, absolutely imperfect, are we even of greater risk of falling into sin?  This gave me greater appreciation of what Yeshua did on the cross, His sacrifice, and His supplication -- because this is God working on our behalf.  His covenant with us is unilateral -- He is and will always do His part, and will be faithful, even if we are not!  The only sacrifice that we really need is a sacrifice of thanksgiving.
3. I felt I needed to take a break and watch a movie, so I decided to watch The Boy in Striped Pajamas.  Little did I know that it was a heart-wrenching, soul-moving, tear-jerking movie.  I was in absolute tears!  So, in the eve of Tisha B'Av, I was wailing like mad, just like everyone else at the Western Wall.  So I feel you, my Jewish neightbors.  I was wailing with you!  My key takeaway from the movie is that the anti-semitic spirit is absolutely an evil spirit.  In fact, it's a spirit of destruction, it makes a person bankrupt of human morals to the point that it has the ability to treat a Jewish person like trash -- as if they are not human beings.  But when we see them as human beings, we put a name, a face to the word Jew -- they become like us -- fragile, alive, human.  I will always have a face to a Jew.  He's my favorite Jew, and His name is Yeshua.

They say that Tisha B'Av doesn't have a happy ending, unlike Yom Kippur.  But I have a happy ending for the tears that we cried during Tisha B'Av- Psalm 56:

Be gracious to me, O God, for man would crush me; all day long he who battles oppresses me.   All day long my enemies would crush me, for there are many who arrogantly battle against me. 

In the day when I am afraid, I will trust in You.  In God whose word I praise, in God I have trusted; I will not fear. What can mere flesh do to me? 

Every day they twist my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil.  They stir up strife, they lurk, they watch my steps, when they wait for my life. 

Should there be deliverance for them on account of wickedness? In Your anger cast down the peoples, O God. 

You take account of my wandering; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book? 

In the day I cry to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, that God is for me. In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not fear; what can a man do to me? 

Your vows are on me, O God; I will complete them with thank offerings to You; for You have delivered my soul from death, even my feet from stumbling, to walk before God in the light of the living.

Setting Boundaries

For the past few months, my key lesson has been setting proper boundaries.  One of the things that I've noticed is that, as a Filipino, I have difficulty setting boundaries as we are, by nature, a Yes-Man. Not setting proper boundaries will result to toxic and codependent relationships, poor work-life balance, fatigue, emotional stress, and spiritual roller coaster.  There could be more ugly side effects on the lack of setting boundaries.  But I will not be discussing them.  However, I would like to share my top 5 lessons so far.

1. You don't have to please everyone.  Not everyone will be happy with you, so if they are not happy with you, it's OK. (For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10)
2. You don't have to be loved by everyone.  Make it a goal that you are at peace with yourself in your relationships with others.  Keep your eyes on your goal - for a Christian, it's to live in peace with everyone AND to be holy.  (Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14)
3. Trust is a precious gift.  Don't give it away as if it's not worth anything.  It is earned, and it must not given completely in the first meeting.  However, there is such a thing as a healthy level of trust that can be given to someone that has not earned it yet.  For example, your team, your boss, your friends, your family.  You have to trust them to some degree that you are not completely shattered when they don't do their part.  There is only One Person worthy of all your trust, and it is the Lord. (It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8)
4. You are not responsible for another person's feelings.  However, it is your responsibility to act wisely.  People feel disappointed, hurt, betrayed, <name a negative emotion> because they have expectations -- of the situation and of you.  Ask for discernment to know what those expectations are, and know if they are agreed, communicated, reasonable.  There is huge chance that 90% of the expectations are unreasonable, and be ready to firmly say NO when they demand.  For example, a person who expects that all machines will work flawlessly is out of his/her mind.  Machines, like human beings, have their "moods", and they may not work.  What needs to be focused on is how to get it fixed and working, not the state of it not working.  Similar principles apply to relationships.  Expecting relationships to be perfect is like expecting for rapture to happen now -- that everything will be heavenly perfect and there will be no more tears.  It will never be perfect as long as we live, and it is important to know what needs to be fixed, who are involved, and to make a decision if something even needs to be fixed at all. (Where do wars and fights among you come from? Do they not come from your lusts that war in your body? You lust and do not have, so you kill. You desire to have and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have, because you do not ask. You ask, and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3)
5. Focus on whatever is true, honorable and right.  There is no need to try to manage or change the other person's emotion.  Have the decency to give them the right to feel what they feel, and own it.  You don't, so don't try to change it.  Truth, however, can be discussed, and will never change even if emotions keep swaying in different directions. (Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8)

Savior Complex

I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed.  I don't remember exactly which side, but definitely, it was not a very restful night.  I wanted to make sense about what I felt.  Surely, every negative emotion has a reason.  Being a woman who has mastered the art of positivity, I never questioned when I am positive.  I expect myself to be positive.  However, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I obsess about it, hoping that it has to go away ASAP!

Today I came in to work late.  Again.  I had to deal with a lot of my thoughts, and hoping I could find some pattern.  All I know is that my soul is hurting, and I wanted relief.  The reason for its hurt, I do not know.  I wanted to figure out but I am too lazy to sit and seek and wait on the Lord.  I wanted immediate answers.

What woke me up was a cup of coffee.  Not because it's a good cup of coffee with the best tasting beans, but my cup of coffee spilled on me.  I had 3 people helping me clean after my mess because it was a lot.  I used to spill a lot of things in the past.  Mostly, when I am nervous.  And since I'm so used to it, I already know how to respond when that happens -- "Don't over react, grab tissue, clean, pretend as if nothing happened, continue with your life."  Somehow, when I was on my way to my office, I knew something was wrong with me.

So finally I came to terms with myself and sat, sit and sought the Lord for answers.  I was telling the Lord, "Lord, I am tired.  I'm exhausted.  I am tired of feeling tired and I desperately need to learn this quickly.  How do I really rest on You?  It's driving me nuts!  Ok, Your Word tells me that it's unbelief, that's why I am not entering Your rest.  And I do not trust You enough.  But it doesn't tell me how to get out of it.  And I'm tired of struggling."  Imagine me saying this with chutzpah.

The Lord put a verse in my heart, about taking thoughts captive and making it obedient to the Messiah.  I randomly searched the verse on Google and found a link to Utmost.org with this devotional.  What struck me the most is the Moffatt translation of this verse: " “…I take every project prisoner to make it obey Christ….”  I paused a bit, reading thru the rest of the devotional, and the word project was a bit too glaring.  The Lord started to speak in my heart, "Thea, it's your savior complex -  making everything and everyone your project - that's keeping you in disbelief."  I started debating with the Lord, "no, I don't think so, really?"  I decided anyway to find out what the savior complex means, and read a very interesting article: Why My Savior Complex Had to Die.

I was surprised (yes, very much) to see how the writer's thoughts resembled mine.  She came to Kolkata, India thinking that she will make a difference.  She saw that Kolkata is a God-sized job to complete.  Her desire to be a hero was exposed and crushed.  Her smile and positive attitude alone would not feed the hungry, free women from oppression or liberate captives from spiritual darkness with. And like me, she also came to a conclusion that only Jesus the Savior could meet such overwhelming need and make a difference! And that she was simply here to serve Him.  Her Kolkata is my Jerusalem.

I am starting to understand why my lesson is so repetitive.  I have asked the Lord if I am learning properly, because the same lessons seem to go back over and over again.  And I am tired of being a repeater.  So like this woman, I would like to pray for exactly the same thing -- that I want to praise the Lord all my life as the only WORTHY Savior - Yeshua Mashiach, that He may change my motives from a desire for admiration to a desire to humbly serve Him.  And that He may change my savior complex to a servant’s mindset.  Because, like her, I also long to follow His example in serving His people.

Charity

There are 3 things that I want to learn from the Lord in this season, which I hope I will carry with me for the rest of my life: compassion, patience and humility.  This doesn't come without a cost --  heartbreak, disappointment, sacrifice -- and yet, I am far away from my expected outcome.  The more that I ask the Lord for these 3 things, the more I realize how selfish, impatient and proud I am.  How I desire for the applause of man, and for me to appear holy.  I can see clearly my heart's tendency to be wicked.  More and more each day, I understand how important it is to receive God's mercy and loving kindness.  I am convinced that there is nothing good in me, apart from the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Yet, despite that knowledge, it is not condemnation that I feel, but something that tells me, there's more to this, and I can choose to walk the path that would lead me there.

There's a teaching in the book of Matthew (Matt 6:1-4) about charity.  While I was thinking and praying about it, if I really want to learn the 3 things that I mentioned above, I must understand what this means not just in my head, but with my hands and my heart:

“Be sure that you not do your charitable deeds before men to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.   “Therefore, when you do your charitable deeds, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do your charitable deeds, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deeds may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly. (Matt 6:1-4)

It's strange that I am posting this on my blog -- it's a bit hypocritical for me to post this, wanting to do good things without being seen by man, and yet, I am writing it here.  However, I am writing it here for me to be accountable to what I am about to learn, should I be successful in executing the commandment above.  I wonder how this will change my life, the way I behave, the way I will view things, the way I will see what genuine service is all about.  To be honest, I'm scared to do this.  I know my heart's tendency to be lonely when I don't get any applause, or affirmation for that matter.  I am also scared that by going this path, will I be misunderstood, or lose my confidence, or even lose myself?  Today, I learned that at some point, Abraham's hardest decision to cut off from is to cut off from himself.  Somehow, there's a part of me that feels excited about the idea of cutting myself off from myself.  But what does it mean for me?  So a new adventure begins, may the Lord sustain me as I confront my weak and deceitful heart.