I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed. I don't remember exactly which side, but definitely, it was not a very restful night. I wanted to make sense about what I felt. Surely, every negative emotion has a reason. Being a woman who has mastered the art of positivity, I never questioned when I am positive. I expect myself to be positive. However, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I obsess about it, hoping that it has to go away ASAP!
Today I came in to work late. Again. I had to deal with a lot of my thoughts, and hoping I could find some pattern. All I know is that my soul is hurting, and I wanted relief. The reason for its hurt, I do not know. I wanted to figure out but I am too lazy to sit and seek and wait on the Lord. I wanted immediate answers.
What woke me up was a cup of coffee. Not because it's a good cup of coffee with the best tasting beans, but my cup of coffee spilled on me. I had 3 people helping me clean after my mess because it was a lot. I used to spill a lot of things in the past. Mostly, when I am nervous. And since I'm so used to it, I already know how to respond when that happens -- "Don't over react, grab tissue, clean, pretend as if nothing happened, continue with your life." Somehow, when I was on my way to my office, I knew something was wrong with me.
So finally I came to terms with myself and sat, sit and sought the Lord for answers. I was telling the Lord, "Lord, I am tired. I'm exhausted. I am tired of feeling tired and I desperately need to learn this quickly. How do I really rest on You? It's driving me nuts! Ok, Your Word tells me that it's unbelief, that's why I am not entering Your rest. And I do not trust You enough. But it doesn't tell me how to get out of it. And I'm tired of struggling." Imagine me saying this with chutzpah.
The Lord put a verse in my heart, about taking thoughts captive and making it obedient to the Messiah. I randomly searched the verse on Google and found a link to Utmost.org with this devotional. What struck me the most is the Moffatt translation of this verse: " “…I take every project prisoner to make it obey Christ….” I paused a bit, reading thru the rest of the devotional, and the word project was a bit too glaring. The Lord started to speak in my heart, "Thea, it's your savior complex - making everything and everyone your project - that's keeping you in disbelief." I started debating with the Lord, "no, I don't think so, really?" I decided anyway to find out what the savior complex means, and read a very interesting article: Why My Savior Complex Had to Die.
I was surprised (yes, very much) to see how the writer's thoughts resembled mine. She came to Kolkata, India thinking that she will make a difference. She saw that Kolkata is a God-sized job to complete. Her desire to be a hero was exposed and crushed. Her smile and positive attitude alone would not feed the hungry, free women from oppression or liberate captives from spiritual darkness with. And like me, she also came to a conclusion that only Jesus the Savior could meet such overwhelming need and make a difference! And that she was simply here to serve Him. Her Kolkata is my Jerusalem.
I am starting to understand why my lesson is so repetitive. I have asked the Lord if I am learning properly, because the same lessons seem to go back over and over again. And I am tired of being a repeater. So like this woman, I would like to pray for exactly the same thing -- that I want to praise the Lord all my life as the only WORTHY Savior - Yeshua Mashiach, that He may change my motives from a desire for admiration to a desire to humbly serve Him. And that He may change my savior complex to a servant’s mindset. Because, like her, I also long to follow His example in serving His people.
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